"Niggas want the old me, buy the old album..."

For most of my life, I've felt like I've been a good friend.  Not perfect, but good.  I've had plenty of issues of my own, plenty of flaws, but I truly believe I'm as loyal as they come.  I have also grown over the years, and the things that were once fun aren't anymore. Things that were once acceptable in my eyes have changed, and so has my behavior.  My mentality has changed, my emotions have changed, and so has my spirituality.  

In high school, I was the friend that lived the furthest away, yet would catch the bus/train in a heartbeat to spend time with my friends.  And when my friends started driving, things were that much more simple.

When I started college, I knew that the relationships that I had before would change, while others would remain the same or grow.  I became friends with high school classmates that I really didn't talk to until college.  My circle of friends in college changed year after year until trial and error left me with a pretty solid group of friends.  Even then, we had our differences, and every once in awhile someone was angry at someone else.  Eventually most folks got over whatever their issues were and kept it moving.  However, now I realize that no one ever really addressed issues.  We argued, we stopped talking, we started talking again.  That was the cycle.  

I started to recognize this cycle after college, and made efforts to address issues whenever they arose.  I can't say that I was consistent, but I tried.  Myself, along with those that I was regularly in contact with definitely supported each other in alot of b.s. that in retrospect was incredibly unacceptable, unhealthy, and sometimes plain dangerous.  

Personally, by the time I started dating who would eventually become my husband, I had been secretly spiraling out of control.  I had seriously unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.  I was hanging onto someone who was in no way healthy for me and would and never could be what I wanted him to be.  I was standing on the fence of sanity and alcoholism.  I had even thought about attempting what had failed in high school--killing myself.  

                                                                               Surrounded by friends and nowhere near happy.

We must realize that everyone goes through something in their lifetime that they would rather avoid.  Some of the things we experience could have been avoided, but because of our own actions, we face obstacles.  What we must remember is that we have no idea what the next person is going through, and if we are so self consumed with ourselves that we don't open our eyes to those around us, we may lose out on a blessing or a chance to minister to someone else.  Honestly, if you can't be there for your friends, why do you even have them?

In the past few years, I have slowly grown to love myself and those things that make me so damn awesome.  Despite my own issues, I tried to maintain relationships with people that for whatever reason didn't want to maintain a relationship with me.  I made phone calls, texted, etc.  What I can't do is stress myself out anymore trying to be friends to people who haven't been friends to me.  I also can't be the old me, it isn't healthy.  A few close family friends as well as friends from college/high school etc. told me that they were bothered by the fact that I got married so suddenly.  Others told me that they wished I had at least had some type of celebration after we got married so that they could celebrate.  Let me say that if any of what I have previously said applied to you, understand that there was no malice.  I finally decided to do something for myself, without any outside influences.  

I'm not saying that my getting married completed me, because completion is only something I can find within myself and God.  But that man of mine, he saved me.

To those that supported my decision and were there for me, thank you.  For those that haven't been around for whatever reason, you're missing out on a wiser, more sane, more balanced me.  Maybe you just miss the old me and that's why you don't talk to me. Well as Jay-Z and the title of this post says...

   The mentally and spiritually healthy me.  Loving me!

Letter to My Five Years Ago Self...

So I've noticed a few folks writing letters to their five years ago self.  Freedom Reeves did one over on her blog a couple weeks ago in response to Frank Ocean's letter to himself. Of course, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, because if there was a possibility to time travel, I would definitely go back and smack myself for some of the things that I did.  So here goes nothing...

Hey girl, it me. Well it's you, but it's me because we're the same person.  I'm just 5 years older.  You with me so far?  Around this time in 2006 you decided to shave your head AND get a tattoo within a 4 day period, and your mom almost had a conniption.  Don't worry, she got used to it all.  Now, you're going on three years of having locs, and you still just have that one tattoo.  Of course, you'd like more tattoos, but you're working on your financial responsibilities so you are being patient.

Congrats on graduating--I know it took you 5 years--but you finished.  It wasn't easy, and you know you could've done better, but you finished what you started.  Right now, you're working on getting into somebody's grad program, whether it be for Creative Writing or Social Work.  All those things that you wanted to do, you are working on achieving them.

Now I know your relationship with your father pretty much sucks, mostly because you've never felt like he was a father.  Well, you're going to have a real conversation with him, and you're going to tell him exactly how you feel.  Even though he'll continue to make excuses, you have said all that you can and need to say, and you're at peace with the situation.  You still talk to him from time to time, but you no longer roll your eyes when you see his number.  

Let's get into what's going on with you in 2006.  Your ass needs to find a job.  You didn't look for anything before graduation, and you're going to get a job working for Victoria's Secret soon.  You'll work for the company for over two years, have alot of headaches because of unnecessary drama that had nothing to do with you, and you're going to quit because you just don't want to deal with the bullshit anymore. 

For the most part, the friends that you kick it with hard right now are not going to be around in five years.  At least not like they used to be.  Nothing happened, no one fell out or had an argument, you guys just grew apart.  There will still be times when you guys get together, like weddings, baby showers and the such, but everyone has grown up and moved in different directions.  You're still tight with Shaun and the rest of the guys, so I guess I should be more specific.  Most of the relationships you had with other women have grown apart.  You and Tabitha are still tight, she's actually one of the godparents of your son.  Yeah, I said son.  We'll get to that one in a minute.  

You've got two more years with your great grandma.  She's been a hilarious and informative part of your life.  Her passing is going to hurt like shit, and when she first comes home from the hospital right before she passes, it's going to be hard as hell to go into her room and see her in that bed.  Once you get in there, though, you're there everyday until she passes.  She just may recognize you still because she smiles every time you walk into the room, and that makes you more comfortable.  There's going to be a lot of drama once she passes, though, and your name is going to dragged through the mud by people that are supposed to be family.  But since they have no idea about what's going on and have only assumed everything, fuck 'em.  They never took the time to have a conversation with you or ask you anything, they only flung fallacious accusations your way because they don't know how to have an adult conversation.

As far as relationships go, I know they've been sucking it up.  That last guy that you were really digging?  He's  going to start calling again.  And he's going to try to work his way back in, even though he told you that you were too fat to be his girlfriend.  You're going to get over that entire situation REAL quick when he starts telling you his philosophy on marriage.  You're probably thinking why the hell didn't I get over him when he told me I was too fat? Well, you haven't discovered how worthy you are of love and a good relationship yet, so you subject yourself to bullshit in the mean time.  The minute you stop dealing with him, you're going to meet a new guy.  Your friend Terrence is going to tell you to run the minute you give him all the details on this new guy, and you didn't listen.  He won't be The One either, you're going to get hurt, but you get over it.

Right now, your relationship with God is getting stronger.  You'll never be perfect, but realizing that is the first step to getting where you need to be.  You have a son.  His name is Nesta, he's eight months old, and he's got the perfect combination of both you and his father.  His father, your husband (yeah, take that one in, you got married before you turned thirty, surprise!) is a pretty awesome dude.  Your last name is Pruitt now, as in Terrence Pruitt.  Who knew that the man you'd marry would have been in your life for the last ten years?  You always said that you believed that you had already met your husband, and you were correct.  You had no way of knowing who your husband was, because you surely weren't looking to get married, but he came at the right time and the rest is history. You guys have been married for almost three years now.  It's a pretty great relationship, and both of you realize that marriage takes work, so you work on your relationship every day.  

So life didn't turn out too bad for you.  You're growing as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a Christian.  You are nowhere near where you were mentally back in 2006.  You are much more stable, much more happy, much more of who you are supposed to be.  Just hold on to your sanity a little bit longer and things are going to turn out for the better.  

P.S. Your boobs still look awesome! ;-)

Keep Ya Love Locked Down!!!

I hate traffic. That is the one thing in my life that I can truly say that I hate. If you know me and you know my husband, he can definitely tell you that hate is not a word I take lightly. Anyways, traffic is just this unnecessary thing. People don't know where they're going, don't know what they're doing, don't know how to merge, don't know how to use signals....they just don't know. I get frustrated cuz I've only been driving (legally) since I was 20, and I feel like I drive better than folks that have been on the road way longer than me. There's all these unnecessary accidents and all these fuels are letting toxins into the earth's atmosphere. Not to mention that stopping and then going and then stopping and then going and then...well, it's not fun. Personally, my feet and legs cramp, I get sleepy, and I get irritated. It's so much more relaxing when you're in traffic and you're just a passenger, cuz then you can just be an annoying backseat driver relax.

Life is simpler when there is less traffic. I made a phone call today, and while waiting for the person to answer, I got to listen to Kanye's Love Lockdown:

"I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/What I had to do/had to run from you/I'm in love with you/but the vibe is wrong/And that haunted me/all the way home/So ya never know/never never know/Never know enough/ til it's over love/Til we lose control/system overload/Screaming no no no, no no.

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/See I wanna move/but can't escape from you/So I keep it low/keep a secret code/So everybody else don't have to know

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down (Repeat 2x)
You keep ya love locked down/you lose.

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I can't keep my cool/so I keep it true/I got something to lose/so I gotta move/I can't keep myself/and still keep you too/So I keep in mind/when I'm on my own/Somewhere far from home/in the danger zone/How many times did it take til I finally got through/You lose/you lose

See I had to go/see I had to go/No more wasting time/we can't wait for life/Which is wasting time/where's the finish line

[chorus]

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I met no one new/I got no one new/No I said I'm through/but got love for you/But I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/Gotta keep it going/keep the loving going/Keep it on a roll/only God knows/Am I into you/baby I'm confused/You choose/you choose

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/Way I got to go/I don't need you/I been on this road/too many times before/I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to

[chorus]

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/ya love locked down/If you keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/you lose


Ok. So I know you didn't ask for me to recite Kanye's "Love Lockdown",nor did you ask me about my feelings on traffic. Just wait, I'ma connect it all. To me, the song sounds like a tale of trying to make a relationship work that for whatever reasons, just won't. Either this is the tale of a man who just couldn't get himself together, couldn't make the relationship work. OR this is the tale of man that was getting himself together and realized that in getting himself together, the relationships around him were changing or diminishing. Either way, relationships weren't working.

The word "love" is a big part of the song, seen/heard multiple times in the lyrics and even in the song's title. The lyrics made me think of how people sometimes mistakenly use the words "sex" and "love" interchangeably. There's countless sexually driven songs about a woman giving her "loving" to her man or someone else's man, or a man wanting his woman's "loving"or the "loving" of someone else, and absolutely none of it has to do with the true definition/meaning of love. I can't say what Kanye was feeling when he wrote this song, because I wasn't there, I didn't talk to him or get the chance to ask him. But the first thing I thought of today when I heard the song on the phone was that if folks just kept their "love" on lockdown, society as a whole would be in a better place. Folks wouldn't think it was ok to jump from bed to bed to make themselves feel good. Sex wouldn't just be this thing people use as a coping mechanism. Sex wouldn't be used as a tool in climbing the corporate ladder. People wouldn't have to tell their partner about all the previous partners they had, cuz there wouldn't be any. People wouldn't have to be scared of a STI test, cuz they hadn't done anything to contract a disease. Relationships that otherwise could have or would have worked end up falling apart because folks can't get over the fact that their partner has been with other people.

I've been married for almost a year now, and I realize that some things would be so much more simple had my husband and I had no previous sexual partners. Neither one of us is the jealous type, nor do either of us have pages upon pages of partners. The issue is that someone else got something before either of us got to experience each other. Now I'm not lying to my husband when I tell him he's the Best I've Ever Had (thanks, Drake), but there's still going to be the fact that he's not my first, nor am I his. I just think that life is simpler when there's less traffic.
AAAAAAHHHHHH, so THAT'S what this has to do with traffic!
Yep, it all connects now, right? No matter how you look at it, traffic is this noisome, bothersome pest that keeps people tense and on edge, just like a person having multiple sex buddies would understandably make that person's new partner on edge. I say all of this to get to a point. Whether you call it your "love" or just plain out call it sex, it's not meant to have heavy traffic. It's too special for all of those ins and outs, detours, heavy constructions and potholes. Folks can't "love you the way they wanted to," because in the back of their mind, they're still thinking about all the other folks, and whether they measure up to your past. Keep your "love locked down" or, "you lose."
My hubby, King Kito, has a blog on here too. Go check out King Kito's blog page as well. He's dope.

God is trying to tell me something...ok, God, you have my full attention...

Today has just been one of those days. Today is a Monday for me, since I did not work yesterday, so everything is off, right off the bat. I was awakened at 7:05 am by my radio blasting 107.5 as loud as it could get. I rolled over, hit the snooze button, and went back to sleep. 7:15am rolled around and the radio came back on. Man, has it already been 10 minutes? I thought. It had felt like another hour of sleep to me. Once again, I hit the snooze button and tried to fall asleep. 7:25am came and I knew I had to get up. I rolled over, and started my daily routine of getting ready for work.

For the most part, my getting ready went off without a hitch. My khakis had been washed two days before and stuffed in the bottom of a bag, so I thought they would be completely wrinkled. They were actually wearable without putting an iron to them. Great, I thought, that just cut down some of my time. I finished getting ready while my husband got dressed as well and I noticed that my khakis were a little snugger than they had been last week. I had to catch myself from getting down about my size/weight. Instead, I grabbed my bag, grabbed my phone, and headed downstairs to get in the car.

After dropping T off at work, I headed to work myself. I decided to stop at Jewel to pick up a snack or two instead of trying to spend an arm and a leg on breakfast that wouldn't fill me up. Once I arrived at the grocery store, I parked, locked the car, and headed in. Before I could get to the grocer's door, I dropped my house keys on the ground. You may ask why I had those keys in my hand. Everytime I go into Jewel, I forget to take in my keys, which have a rewards card on it that earns me money towards gas. I think that is definitely worth carrying.

I pick up my house keys, and my car keys fall. Once again I lean over, this time hearing a snap and a rip. The zipper on my pants was in tack, but the hooks didn't feel right. I stand up, only to hear something else fall. My lip gloss compact had fallen from my pocket. I bent over and picked that up, stood up, and my wallet fell. Anyone who saw me probably thought I was a bumbling fool. I finally got everything in my hands, and shoved them all into my pockets. I touched the front of my khakis and realized that the hooks had ripped completely off. As I tried to zip them, I heard one of the hooks/eyelets hit the concrete. I looked down to see if I could find them, but no luck. So there I was, walking into Jewel, pants undone, pockets full, and the weight of my pockets pulling down my pants. I managed to grab everything I wanted before heading back to the car.

Once I arrived at work, I parked, and headed back down the street to the building. As I was walking, I felt something under my shoe. It felt like I was walking on tissue or some other material that was lightweight but noticeable under my foot. I looked down--and the sole of my shoe was halfway off of my shoe. I tried to get the sole to go back into place, but gave up and just ripped it off as I walked across the street to the front door of my job. I was definitely bothered by this, as I have only worn these shoes twice--once this past Saturday and today. I've had them for four years, but never could figure out with what to wear them.

Once I went to my desk and dropped my bag off, I headed to the lunchroom to place my beverages in the refrigerator. The whole time I was walking, I felt the absence of a sole on the bottom of my right foot. It was like I had shoes on with two different heights. Granted, the height difference is barely if at all noticeable to those around me, but I can feel the difference under my feet as I walked. I got to the lunchroom, dropped off my beverages in the bottom of the fridge, and headed back up to my desk.

The day went by quite uneventfully, just another day at work. About an hour ago, I went down to the lunchroom to retrieve my beverages. When I opened the fridge, I noticed that my bag had been moved to the other crisper at the bottom of the fridge and someone had replaced my bag with their own. On a normal day, I would have probably gotten irritated at the fact that someone went out of their way to move my bag because of their own need to have some type of consistency. I would have thought, really? They REALLY need to move my bag just so they can put their bag in the same place they put it everyday? Is it really going to kill them to put their bag in another place, or SHARE the compartment even? But I didn't think any of those things. I just smiled, grabbed my bag, and headed back up to my desk.

I don't know what God is trying to tell me today. I just know there's something in the things that have happened. Maybe he just wanted to see if for once I could just not be bothered by what I would see as everything going wrong. I have, in the past few months--even days--been overwhelmed by different things which have made me think that so many things are going wrong. Finances, housing, weight, etc. have made me question myself and I have sometimes gotten entirely too flustered over things that could turn back around for the good at any moment.

Today was my day to show God what I'm made of and I think I did pretty good. I didn't get upset about my khakis--I just made a mental note to find my other pair when I get home tonight. I didn't flip out about continually dropping my belongings in the grocer's parking lot--I just kept picking things up and kept it moving. I didn't go nuts about my shoe falling apart--I just made adjusments and kept walking. I didn't get an attitude about someone moving my things in the fridge--I smiled and went and enjoyed my beverages.

By golly, I think I'm growing!!! I think that I am finally learning, through everyday mishaps, exactly what God expects of me!!! Although all these unexpected things happened today, I just kept it moving. Maybe because I made a mental note and texted T about reading Psalms 37 and followed through, I don't know. But I definitely recognize that today was an unexpected day, and I handled it pretty damn well. : )