For most of my life, I've felt like I've been a good friend. Not perfect, but good. I've had plenty of issues of my own, plenty of flaws, but I truly believe I'm as loyal as they come. I have also grown over the years, and the things that were once fun aren't anymore. Things that were once acceptable in my eyes have changed, and so has my behavior. My mentality has changed, my emotions have changed, and so has my spirituality.
In high school, I was the friend that lived the furthest away, yet would catch the bus/train in a heartbeat to spend time with my friends. And when my friends started driving, things were that much more simple.
When I started college, I knew that the relationships that I had before would change, while others would remain the same or grow. I became friends with high school classmates that I really didn't talk to until college. My circle of friends in college changed year after year until trial and error left me with a pretty solid group of friends. Even then, we had our differences, and every once in awhile someone was angry at someone else. Eventually most folks got over whatever their issues were and kept it moving. However, now I realize that no one ever really addressed issues. We argued, we stopped talking, we started talking again. That was the cycle.
I started to recognize this cycle after college, and made efforts to address issues whenever they arose. I can't say that I was consistent, but I tried. Myself, along with those that I was regularly in contact with definitely supported each other in alot of b.s. that in retrospect was incredibly unacceptable, unhealthy, and sometimes plain dangerous.
Personally, by the time I started dating who would eventually become my husband, I had been secretly spiraling out of control. I had seriously unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. I was hanging onto someone who was in no way healthy for me and would and never could be what I wanted him to be. I was standing on the fence of sanity and alcoholism. I had even thought about attempting what had failed in high school--killing myself.
Surrounded by friends and nowhere near happy.
We must realize that everyone goes through something in their lifetime that they would rather avoid. Some of the things we experience could have been avoided, but because of our own actions, we face obstacles. What we must remember is that we have no idea what the next person is going through, and if we are so self consumed with ourselves that we don't open our eyes to those around us, we may lose out on a blessing or a chance to minister to someone else. Honestly, if you can't be there for your friends, why do you even have them?
In the past few years, I have slowly grown to love myself and those things that make me so damn awesome. Despite my own issues, I tried to maintain relationships with people that for whatever reason didn't want to maintain a relationship with me. I made phone calls, texted, etc. What I can't do is stress myself out anymore trying to be friends to people who haven't been friends to me. I also can't be the old me, it isn't healthy. A few close family friends as well as friends from college/high school etc. told me that they were bothered by the fact that I got married so suddenly. Others told me that they wished I had at least had some type of celebration after we got married so that they could celebrate. Let me say that if any of what I have previously said applied to you, understand that there was no malice. I finally decided to do something for myself, without any outside influences.
I'm not saying that my getting married completed me, because completion is only something I can find within myself and God. But that man of mine, he saved me.
To those that supported my decision and were there for me, thank you. For those that haven't been around for whatever reason, you're missing out on a wiser, more sane, more balanced me. Maybe you just miss the old me and that's why you don't talk to me. Well as Jay-Z and the title of this post says...
The mentally and spiritually healthy me. Loving me!
