"Niggas want the old me, buy the old album..."

For most of my life, I've felt like I've been a good friend.  Not perfect, but good.  I've had plenty of issues of my own, plenty of flaws, but I truly believe I'm as loyal as they come.  I have also grown over the years, and the things that were once fun aren't anymore. Things that were once acceptable in my eyes have changed, and so has my behavior.  My mentality has changed, my emotions have changed, and so has my spirituality.  

In high school, I was the friend that lived the furthest away, yet would catch the bus/train in a heartbeat to spend time with my friends.  And when my friends started driving, things were that much more simple.

When I started college, I knew that the relationships that I had before would change, while others would remain the same or grow.  I became friends with high school classmates that I really didn't talk to until college.  My circle of friends in college changed year after year until trial and error left me with a pretty solid group of friends.  Even then, we had our differences, and every once in awhile someone was angry at someone else.  Eventually most folks got over whatever their issues were and kept it moving.  However, now I realize that no one ever really addressed issues.  We argued, we stopped talking, we started talking again.  That was the cycle.  

I started to recognize this cycle after college, and made efforts to address issues whenever they arose.  I can't say that I was consistent, but I tried.  Myself, along with those that I was regularly in contact with definitely supported each other in alot of b.s. that in retrospect was incredibly unacceptable, unhealthy, and sometimes plain dangerous.  

Personally, by the time I started dating who would eventually become my husband, I had been secretly spiraling out of control.  I had seriously unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.  I was hanging onto someone who was in no way healthy for me and would and never could be what I wanted him to be.  I was standing on the fence of sanity and alcoholism.  I had even thought about attempting what had failed in high school--killing myself.  

                                                                               Surrounded by friends and nowhere near happy.

We must realize that everyone goes through something in their lifetime that they would rather avoid.  Some of the things we experience could have been avoided, but because of our own actions, we face obstacles.  What we must remember is that we have no idea what the next person is going through, and if we are so self consumed with ourselves that we don't open our eyes to those around us, we may lose out on a blessing or a chance to minister to someone else.  Honestly, if you can't be there for your friends, why do you even have them?

In the past few years, I have slowly grown to love myself and those things that make me so damn awesome.  Despite my own issues, I tried to maintain relationships with people that for whatever reason didn't want to maintain a relationship with me.  I made phone calls, texted, etc.  What I can't do is stress myself out anymore trying to be friends to people who haven't been friends to me.  I also can't be the old me, it isn't healthy.  A few close family friends as well as friends from college/high school etc. told me that they were bothered by the fact that I got married so suddenly.  Others told me that they wished I had at least had some type of celebration after we got married so that they could celebrate.  Let me say that if any of what I have previously said applied to you, understand that there was no malice.  I finally decided to do something for myself, without any outside influences.  

I'm not saying that my getting married completed me, because completion is only something I can find within myself and God.  But that man of mine, he saved me.

To those that supported my decision and were there for me, thank you.  For those that haven't been around for whatever reason, you're missing out on a wiser, more sane, more balanced me.  Maybe you just miss the old me and that's why you don't talk to me. Well as Jay-Z and the title of this post says...

   The mentally and spiritually healthy me.  Loving me!

Letter to My Five Years Ago Self...

So I've noticed a few folks writing letters to their five years ago self.  Freedom Reeves did one over on her blog a couple weeks ago in response to Frank Ocean's letter to himself. Of course, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, because if there was a possibility to time travel, I would definitely go back and smack myself for some of the things that I did.  So here goes nothing...

Hey girl, it me. Well it's you, but it's me because we're the same person.  I'm just 5 years older.  You with me so far?  Around this time in 2006 you decided to shave your head AND get a tattoo within a 4 day period, and your mom almost had a conniption.  Don't worry, she got used to it all.  Now, you're going on three years of having locs, and you still just have that one tattoo.  Of course, you'd like more tattoos, but you're working on your financial responsibilities so you are being patient.

Congrats on graduating--I know it took you 5 years--but you finished.  It wasn't easy, and you know you could've done better, but you finished what you started.  Right now, you're working on getting into somebody's grad program, whether it be for Creative Writing or Social Work.  All those things that you wanted to do, you are working on achieving them.

Now I know your relationship with your father pretty much sucks, mostly because you've never felt like he was a father.  Well, you're going to have a real conversation with him, and you're going to tell him exactly how you feel.  Even though he'll continue to make excuses, you have said all that you can and need to say, and you're at peace with the situation.  You still talk to him from time to time, but you no longer roll your eyes when you see his number.  

Let's get into what's going on with you in 2006.  Your ass needs to find a job.  You didn't look for anything before graduation, and you're going to get a job working for Victoria's Secret soon.  You'll work for the company for over two years, have alot of headaches because of unnecessary drama that had nothing to do with you, and you're going to quit because you just don't want to deal with the bullshit anymore. 

For the most part, the friends that you kick it with hard right now are not going to be around in five years.  At least not like they used to be.  Nothing happened, no one fell out or had an argument, you guys just grew apart.  There will still be times when you guys get together, like weddings, baby showers and the such, but everyone has grown up and moved in different directions.  You're still tight with Shaun and the rest of the guys, so I guess I should be more specific.  Most of the relationships you had with other women have grown apart.  You and Tabitha are still tight, she's actually one of the godparents of your son.  Yeah, I said son.  We'll get to that one in a minute.  

You've got two more years with your great grandma.  She's been a hilarious and informative part of your life.  Her passing is going to hurt like shit, and when she first comes home from the hospital right before she passes, it's going to be hard as hell to go into her room and see her in that bed.  Once you get in there, though, you're there everyday until she passes.  She just may recognize you still because she smiles every time you walk into the room, and that makes you more comfortable.  There's going to be a lot of drama once she passes, though, and your name is going to dragged through the mud by people that are supposed to be family.  But since they have no idea about what's going on and have only assumed everything, fuck 'em.  They never took the time to have a conversation with you or ask you anything, they only flung fallacious accusations your way because they don't know how to have an adult conversation.

As far as relationships go, I know they've been sucking it up.  That last guy that you were really digging?  He's  going to start calling again.  And he's going to try to work his way back in, even though he told you that you were too fat to be his girlfriend.  You're going to get over that entire situation REAL quick when he starts telling you his philosophy on marriage.  You're probably thinking why the hell didn't I get over him when he told me I was too fat? Well, you haven't discovered how worthy you are of love and a good relationship yet, so you subject yourself to bullshit in the mean time.  The minute you stop dealing with him, you're going to meet a new guy.  Your friend Terrence is going to tell you to run the minute you give him all the details on this new guy, and you didn't listen.  He won't be The One either, you're going to get hurt, but you get over it.

Right now, your relationship with God is getting stronger.  You'll never be perfect, but realizing that is the first step to getting where you need to be.  You have a son.  His name is Nesta, he's eight months old, and he's got the perfect combination of both you and his father.  His father, your husband (yeah, take that one in, you got married before you turned thirty, surprise!) is a pretty awesome dude.  Your last name is Pruitt now, as in Terrence Pruitt.  Who knew that the man you'd marry would have been in your life for the last ten years?  You always said that you believed that you had already met your husband, and you were correct.  You had no way of knowing who your husband was, because you surely weren't looking to get married, but he came at the right time and the rest is history. You guys have been married for almost three years now.  It's a pretty great relationship, and both of you realize that marriage takes work, so you work on your relationship every day.  

So life didn't turn out too bad for you.  You're growing as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a Christian.  You are nowhere near where you were mentally back in 2006.  You are much more stable, much more happy, much more of who you are supposed to be.  Just hold on to your sanity a little bit longer and things are going to turn out for the better.  

P.S. Your boobs still look awesome! ;-)

Oh, Women....

I think I'm on a roll with my womenfolk...

So I was thinking about another situation that I know about amongst women. Have you ever noticed that women can mess something up really well when they're scared? I have a few friends that have been in relationships, and had someone on the side. Sex was not always involved in the situation when there was a side piece--some of these women just liked the attention that someone gave them, others really wanted to explore what else was out there in the dating world while keeping something close to home, and some really just wanted to have sex.

Let's explore these friends separately and more in depth...

1)Some of these women just liked the attention that someone gave them...

Everyone likes attention. The problem is when this attention costs someone a relationship. I had a friend who was living with her guy, thought she was going to marry him and everything. That's what she wanted, that's what they talked about. But this friend also had someone from a past situation that kept coming around. She'd bump into him at parties and he made it clear what he wanted from her. She liked the attention. These two talked and saw each other every once in awhile, and she got her "fix"--she got the attention she wanted, even though it wasn't from her significant other.

Needless to say, the boyfriend had a "feeling" about things, but never actually knew anything. For months he just knew that something was going on, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Now I must say that the boyfriend did have his personal issues, including an issue of trusting women (and his girl wasn't helping). All of this was enough to cause a rift in the relationship (along with other things), and the friend and her boyfriend broke up. Last I heard, he's married.

Moral of this story: The attention that you feel you're not getting--express it to your mate. You'd be surprised to find that they don't even realize that you feel a certain way, and if it's a pretty good relationship otherwise, they'll probably get themselves together and do exactly what you've been missing. If not, then it probably wasn't the right relationship for you anyways!

2) ...others really wanted to explore what else was out there in the dating world while keeping someone close to home...

I've got another friend that started what we in Chicago like to call "talking" to two gentlemen around the same time. There was no commitment, and neither man thought they were in a relationship. Eventually sex became a part of both of these relationships, both men wanted more, and she had to choose. She chose who she felt was "safe", while the other continued to be clueless to her new relationship status. This actually went on for a couple of years, with the boyfriend turning out to not be what she needed in her life. The gentlemen left on the outside always kept in contact with my friend, and she actually found herself falling in love with the outsider. The problem? She had problems with being alone, and continued to deal with the boyfriend who had already proven that he was not the one for her. The outsider was told by my friend that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and respectfully tried to honor her feelings, but found himself falling for my friend as well. It was almost disclosed to this outsider that my friend was dating someone, but things were cleaned up pretty quickly, and no one was the wiser to the situation. Now my friend finds herself wanting to be with the man who used to be the outsider.

Here's the problem. I feel like she has created this situation that lacked honesty, and the entire thing may backfire in her face, it may not. I honestly don't know. But I wonder how can she have a healthy relationship with this man that used to be an outsider, when most of their relationship was built on lies that she told to keep him both at bay and on standby. Does she need to disclose her previous situation and let him know that she led him to believe that she wasn't ready for a relationship when she was in one the whole time? Or does she just need to keep it moving and build a relationship now, not worrying about the past and the lies she's had to tell?

3)...and some just really want to have sex.

Here's another friend. She was in a long term relationship for a considerable part of her young adult life. Things went sour, the relationship ended on bad terms after repeatedly trying to make it work. This friend went across the country to be with this man, so of course she moved back home once it was over. She's always been the type to attract men no matter where she is. She's a gorgeous woman. She doesn't always like the attention, and has taken drastic measures in the past to avoid getting attention. It still doesn't work. Nevertheless, she has returned home, attracting the attention of many men. She doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't want to be "tied down". She has been pretty open with me in that she knows whether she wants to sleep with someone, and that predicates whether she'll let a conversation go further than just "hello". So as of now, she's "just having fun", sleeping with whomever she wants, sometimes keeping someone around for long periods of time out of convenience.

So this is dangerous for so many reasons. I don't think I need to explain them all.

So what's the deal with us women? Is a fear thing that keeps us from being the jewels that we were made to be? What's going on? I have to say that part of the reason that our women go unchecked is because of the people surrounding them. True friends should check their friends when they get out of pocket or go off the deep end. The problem is that we don't. We try to sympathize, empathize, support, and sometimes even encourage our friends. We want to appear to be the friend that is there, but we're useless.

So after all that has been said, the moral of the story is: CHECK YOUR DAMN FRIENDS. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS, BUT NOT CHECKING A FRIEND IS THE SAME AS AGREEING THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS OK. NOT SAYING SOMETHING SAYS SOMETHING.

DISCLAIMER: If any of the friends that I spoke about read this, you know who you are. I've done dumb things in my life, so I'm not perfect. This is more of a eye opener to re-evaluate the friends that you keep around you and not a condemnation of anyone.

That is all.

Regrets

There's a song by Letoya Luckett on the radio right now called Regret. It's definitely in high rotation, because every time I'm in the car I hear it at least twice (I'm not in the car but 20-30 minutes to and from work). The song is basically about a woman scorned who is somewhat taunting a former significant other. That significant other has done the woman wrong, had other women in her car, cheated on her, blah blah blah. The woman reminds her former lover that he wasn't much of anything before her, and that she made him the cool dude that he is today. The chorus goes a little something like this:

You must regret the day that you left me
You must regret the day that you left me
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me, oh
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me oh


Although Letoya is singing from a woman's perspective, this could definitely be a song from a man's perspective.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that we all have regrets. We regret that person that we let get away. We regret that comment we made that cost us our friend, job, relationship, etc. We regret that decision we made that cost us everything. We regret that food we ate that got our stomach a-bubblin'. There's just so many regrets, and I in no way can quantify whether a regret is big or small. They all affect us in some way.

Some of my regrets: Letting my relationship with God fall to the side as a teen; Not telling my mom everything that was going on at school with teachers; Not telling my mom about certain things my dad did to make me dislike him even more; Shit, no telling my mom alot of things; Waiting so long to realize that I was incorrectly communicating with the opposite sex; Waiting so long to realize just exactly how dope I really am; Not being closer friends with my husband when we were in college.

The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get my drift. We all have regrets, we all have things that we wish we could change. We all have things that we wish we would have never done or said.

Right now: What are you going to do now to make sure that you never make those mistakes again? Are you holding on to past regrets, or have you let them be a learning experience and moved on? I can honestly say that for the most part, I have definitely moved on. I still have issues with confidence, I still doubt myself sometimes. But I also catch myself having that lack of confidence and that doubt, and I do whatever is positive and in my ability to do in order to get out of that negative way of thinking. I cannot let past regrets and mistakes dictate what my future will look like. I can only accept that I messed up, and work on making my present and future better.

What are you doing? Are you holding on to past regrets? Or have you let your mistakes become your learning tools?

They say if you love 'em...

They say if you love someone you should let them go, and if they come back, they're yours forever.

I say that's a load of garbage.

Now I know you might say, "well it might not be the right timing" or "they may need time apart to grow" or "blah blah blah, (enter excuse here)".

The way I see it, if you love someone, you hold on for dear life. Not in the sense of being a Grade A stalker or McClingy, but along the idea that you shouldn't just let a good thing walk out because you don't know what to do. Now, after hours and days and months and years of trying to work it out and nothing happens, OK, I kinda get letting go. But if you just wake up one morning and decide that you don't want to be someone's significant other--c'mon!!!! I get that some people just weren't meant to be together in the first place--but that's their own damn fault for going with all emotion and no logic. When you're in a relationship, you are making decisions for two, not just you! Man/woman-up and get yourself together! Letting go without a fight is for sissies.

That is all.