"Niggas want the old me, buy the old album..."

For most of my life, I've felt like I've been a good friend.  Not perfect, but good.  I've had plenty of issues of my own, plenty of flaws, but I truly believe I'm as loyal as they come.  I have also grown over the years, and the things that were once fun aren't anymore. Things that were once acceptable in my eyes have changed, and so has my behavior.  My mentality has changed, my emotions have changed, and so has my spirituality.  

In high school, I was the friend that lived the furthest away, yet would catch the bus/train in a heartbeat to spend time with my friends.  And when my friends started driving, things were that much more simple.

When I started college, I knew that the relationships that I had before would change, while others would remain the same or grow.  I became friends with high school classmates that I really didn't talk to until college.  My circle of friends in college changed year after year until trial and error left me with a pretty solid group of friends.  Even then, we had our differences, and every once in awhile someone was angry at someone else.  Eventually most folks got over whatever their issues were and kept it moving.  However, now I realize that no one ever really addressed issues.  We argued, we stopped talking, we started talking again.  That was the cycle.  

I started to recognize this cycle after college, and made efforts to address issues whenever they arose.  I can't say that I was consistent, but I tried.  Myself, along with those that I was regularly in contact with definitely supported each other in alot of b.s. that in retrospect was incredibly unacceptable, unhealthy, and sometimes plain dangerous.  

Personally, by the time I started dating who would eventually become my husband, I had been secretly spiraling out of control.  I had seriously unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.  I was hanging onto someone who was in no way healthy for me and would and never could be what I wanted him to be.  I was standing on the fence of sanity and alcoholism.  I had even thought about attempting what had failed in high school--killing myself.  

                                                                               Surrounded by friends and nowhere near happy.

We must realize that everyone goes through something in their lifetime that they would rather avoid.  Some of the things we experience could have been avoided, but because of our own actions, we face obstacles.  What we must remember is that we have no idea what the next person is going through, and if we are so self consumed with ourselves that we don't open our eyes to those around us, we may lose out on a blessing or a chance to minister to someone else.  Honestly, if you can't be there for your friends, why do you even have them?

In the past few years, I have slowly grown to love myself and those things that make me so damn awesome.  Despite my own issues, I tried to maintain relationships with people that for whatever reason didn't want to maintain a relationship with me.  I made phone calls, texted, etc.  What I can't do is stress myself out anymore trying to be friends to people who haven't been friends to me.  I also can't be the old me, it isn't healthy.  A few close family friends as well as friends from college/high school etc. told me that they were bothered by the fact that I got married so suddenly.  Others told me that they wished I had at least had some type of celebration after we got married so that they could celebrate.  Let me say that if any of what I have previously said applied to you, understand that there was no malice.  I finally decided to do something for myself, without any outside influences.  

I'm not saying that my getting married completed me, because completion is only something I can find within myself and God.  But that man of mine, he saved me.

To those that supported my decision and were there for me, thank you.  For those that haven't been around for whatever reason, you're missing out on a wiser, more sane, more balanced me.  Maybe you just miss the old me and that's why you don't talk to me. Well as Jay-Z and the title of this post says...

   The mentally and spiritually healthy me.  Loving me!

Jill Scott's "Hear My Call"

So I haven't been as current on music as I would like to be.  My old laptop went out back in 2007 and I never got it fixed.  I've been using the hubby's personal and work laptops when they are available.  Now I've got my MacBook, and I'm starting to download and listen to music much more frequently (as much I possibly can in the five days that I've had the Mac, lol).  I came across Jill Scott's new song, "Hear My Call" a couple of days ago.  Check out the lyrics below.


"Hear My Call"
[Verse 1]
Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don't seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and

[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, please.

[Verse 2]
I am such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed
I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can't see my foot to take a step,
What is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so...

[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please,
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, oh, please, please.

God please hear my call.
I am afraid.
Love has turned me cold,
I need your healing.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.


How many of us can actually acknowledge when a situation or a series of situations in our lives has angered us, changed us, made us cold, or as Jill put it burned you raw? Do we acknowledge that we need to reflect, regroup, and heal, or do we jump into other situations (relationships, jobs, etc.) with the same hang-ups?


I sure hope we are taking the time to reflect and heal...


Click here  to check out the official video for the song.

Baby Faith

Children--babies especially--can really teach you alot about faith.  In the womb, towards the end of pregnancy, most babies position themselves upside down in the uterus, to make for an easy delivery for mom and a safe delivery for baby.  They turn their backs to the world, turn upside down, and expect for SOMEONE to catch them when they make their debut into the world.  What if we had that type of faith when it came to our lives? What if we ignored everything stacked against us, turned our backs to the world, and came out of our previous situation unharmed and safe? If we knew that someone would be there to catch us, would we be more inclined to have stronger faith?

My son has some of the best focus that I have seen in a long time.  No matter where he is or what he is doing, if there is something he wants, he goes for it at all costs.  He doesn't care if there's five feet of space between an object and the solid bed he may be sitting on, he doesn't care if you move an object a million times to keep it from him--he's going to find a way to get what he wants and needs.

Wanna know about focus?  This kid sat like that for ten minutes because his pacifier fell through the leg of his walker.  It was attached to his shirt by a string, so he knew it was there, he just couldn't see it.  How often do we know what's at the end of our journey and we still lose focus?

                                

When do we become so jaded by the world that we lose our focus, our will, our faith?  When does constant rejection, disappointment and failure change our focus or make us lose it all together? When does the negativity in our lives give way to faithlessness?

At birth, we start off with an 'A' or 100% for faith, much like a demerit system might work in school.  Our faith is full, because we have not yet experienced the world, and as babies, we come to expect being saved from a fall.  With a demerit system, every time we misbehave or do something that warrants discipline, our 'A'--or points--decrease based on the behavior.  Unfortunately for most, this seems to be how our faith works as well.  As we grow and get older,  failures and disappointment occur, and doubt sets in, leading to less and less faith.

I sure wish I had the focus of my son.  I'd probably be working on a second or third (or fourth) graduate degree now.  I wouldn't be taking so long to lose weight.  The trunk of our car would probably be clean.  But I can't do the could've, should've, would've game.  I can only take this moment recognize my flaws, and move on from here.

How much further would you be if you had a little more faith, focus, and will?

Sidenote: I wrote this on Friday, July 8th. The funny thing is, my pastor touch on this on Sunday, July 10th. Funny, huh? God will definitely kick you in the butt to make sure you're paying attention, won't he?

Letter to My Five Years Ago Self...

So I've noticed a few folks writing letters to their five years ago self.  Freedom Reeves did one over on her blog a couple weeks ago in response to Frank Ocean's letter to himself. Of course, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, because if there was a possibility to time travel, I would definitely go back and smack myself for some of the things that I did.  So here goes nothing...

Hey girl, it me. Well it's you, but it's me because we're the same person.  I'm just 5 years older.  You with me so far?  Around this time in 2006 you decided to shave your head AND get a tattoo within a 4 day period, and your mom almost had a conniption.  Don't worry, she got used to it all.  Now, you're going on three years of having locs, and you still just have that one tattoo.  Of course, you'd like more tattoos, but you're working on your financial responsibilities so you are being patient.

Congrats on graduating--I know it took you 5 years--but you finished.  It wasn't easy, and you know you could've done better, but you finished what you started.  Right now, you're working on getting into somebody's grad program, whether it be for Creative Writing or Social Work.  All those things that you wanted to do, you are working on achieving them.

Now I know your relationship with your father pretty much sucks, mostly because you've never felt like he was a father.  Well, you're going to have a real conversation with him, and you're going to tell him exactly how you feel.  Even though he'll continue to make excuses, you have said all that you can and need to say, and you're at peace with the situation.  You still talk to him from time to time, but you no longer roll your eyes when you see his number.  

Let's get into what's going on with you in 2006.  Your ass needs to find a job.  You didn't look for anything before graduation, and you're going to get a job working for Victoria's Secret soon.  You'll work for the company for over two years, have alot of headaches because of unnecessary drama that had nothing to do with you, and you're going to quit because you just don't want to deal with the bullshit anymore. 

For the most part, the friends that you kick it with hard right now are not going to be around in five years.  At least not like they used to be.  Nothing happened, no one fell out or had an argument, you guys just grew apart.  There will still be times when you guys get together, like weddings, baby showers and the such, but everyone has grown up and moved in different directions.  You're still tight with Shaun and the rest of the guys, so I guess I should be more specific.  Most of the relationships you had with other women have grown apart.  You and Tabitha are still tight, she's actually one of the godparents of your son.  Yeah, I said son.  We'll get to that one in a minute.  

You've got two more years with your great grandma.  She's been a hilarious and informative part of your life.  Her passing is going to hurt like shit, and when she first comes home from the hospital right before she passes, it's going to be hard as hell to go into her room and see her in that bed.  Once you get in there, though, you're there everyday until she passes.  She just may recognize you still because she smiles every time you walk into the room, and that makes you more comfortable.  There's going to be a lot of drama once she passes, though, and your name is going to dragged through the mud by people that are supposed to be family.  But since they have no idea about what's going on and have only assumed everything, fuck 'em.  They never took the time to have a conversation with you or ask you anything, they only flung fallacious accusations your way because they don't know how to have an adult conversation.

As far as relationships go, I know they've been sucking it up.  That last guy that you were really digging?  He's  going to start calling again.  And he's going to try to work his way back in, even though he told you that you were too fat to be his girlfriend.  You're going to get over that entire situation REAL quick when he starts telling you his philosophy on marriage.  You're probably thinking why the hell didn't I get over him when he told me I was too fat? Well, you haven't discovered how worthy you are of love and a good relationship yet, so you subject yourself to bullshit in the mean time.  The minute you stop dealing with him, you're going to meet a new guy.  Your friend Terrence is going to tell you to run the minute you give him all the details on this new guy, and you didn't listen.  He won't be The One either, you're going to get hurt, but you get over it.

Right now, your relationship with God is getting stronger.  You'll never be perfect, but realizing that is the first step to getting where you need to be.  You have a son.  His name is Nesta, he's eight months old, and he's got the perfect combination of both you and his father.  His father, your husband (yeah, take that one in, you got married before you turned thirty, surprise!) is a pretty awesome dude.  Your last name is Pruitt now, as in Terrence Pruitt.  Who knew that the man you'd marry would have been in your life for the last ten years?  You always said that you believed that you had already met your husband, and you were correct.  You had no way of knowing who your husband was, because you surely weren't looking to get married, but he came at the right time and the rest is history. You guys have been married for almost three years now.  It's a pretty great relationship, and both of you realize that marriage takes work, so you work on your relationship every day.  

So life didn't turn out too bad for you.  You're growing as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a Christian.  You are nowhere near where you were mentally back in 2006.  You are much more stable, much more happy, much more of who you are supposed to be.  Just hold on to your sanity a little bit longer and things are going to turn out for the better.  

P.S. Your boobs still look awesome! ;-)

It's Been a Long Time...

Hey there, good people!  It has definitely been a long time since the last post, over a year I believe.  Well, I'll be starting up the blog again soon, so expect great things!  Be blessed.