2011 in Review: Some things I learned about Nayesha A. Pruitt Part II

Yesterday I started a list of the things that I learned about myself.  You can check it out here before you read this one...

11. Working, being a mother/wife, and going to school is definitely possible.

After almost a year of being at home with my son, I started working and going to school at the same time.  Whew! It has definitely been an experience, but I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I know that I will be able to tell my children that they can achieve all of their dreams, not just with words, but by example.

12. I don't need to explain everything to everyone.

Sometimes I've felt that in order for people to "get" me, that I need to automatically explain every decision that I make.  I've especially felt this way when I tell someone something about my life and get a confused look in response.  Like I said before, not everyone is going to get me.

13. I am extremely blessed.

I celebrated both my son's first birthday and my third year of marriage in November.  I also have been blessed to have such a supportive family.  My mother, grandmother, friends, husband, sisters and mother-in-love are some of the most awesome people that I could have been blessed with the ability to call family.

14. The past is the past for a reason.  Learn from the mistakes, but don't hold on to any of it.

I've realized that alot of my extended family (as well as immediate) live in the past.  They talk about the good times, their faces light up when they talk about a moment in their lives where they felt they were on top of the world, but in the present, they are lost.  I refuse to just exist or get by, to be subjected to only a certain way of life because I don't want more for myself.  Too many dreams have not been brought to fruition.  My children will know what it's like to have dreams and go for them wholeheartedly.

15. Blaming my parents for what they did or didn't do is for the birds.

I'm almost 30 years old, and in the past year I have heard multiple people (older than me, I might add) say that they have failed at various aspects of their lives because of something their parents failed to teach them.  Really?  My mom didn't teach me how to properly manage money, but I've learned.  My dad didn't show me how a man was supposed to love his children or treat his wife, but I learned what I should and shouldn't accept from a man, both by trial and error and through observation.  I just cringe when I hear people blame their parents.  To a certain extent, yes, our parents shape us into the people we become, by what they do and don't do, but at some point personal accountability has to come into play.

16. I will never make everyone happy.

This one is pretty self explanatory.

17. Family isn't relative.

Just because I share blood with someone doesn't make them my family.  Biologically related, yes, but if there is no relationship, there just isn't a reason to call them family. I have plenty of family that I share DNA with, as well as the ones with which I don't.  Either way, you know who you are, and I wouldn't trade you for anything.

18. I will never make everyone happy.

Had to reiterate that one for myself.

19. I'm my worst critic.

My time in grad school so far has really taught me that I need to give myself a break.  There have been plenty of times when I thought that my work was sub par, only to get a perfect score on various assignments.

20. I must work on my seriously delayed sense of urgency.

When it comes to the things that I want to do and work, I'm on it.  Those things that I know I have to do are another story.  I'm workin' on it...

21. I used to care what others thought about me, especially certain people that I share DNA with, but now I could care less.

These folks have neither a heaven nor hell to put me in, nor have they made any type of significant contribution to my life (and I'm not talking about money).  I should in no way rely on their opinions when they won't be there with me when I'm reaping all of the rewards of my hard work and dedication.


Have you learned anything about yourself in the last year? Do you see anything in my list that resembles your life? What do you do to get through your own obstacles?

2011 In review: Some things that I learned about Nayesha A. Pruitt Part I

There are alot of things learned in the past year, some of them funny, some sad, and some just plain asinine.  Either way it goes, here's a list of things yours truly learned in the year 2011...

1. You can want better for others, but if they don't want it for themselves, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

This is a REALLY hard one for me.  If you are truly someone that I care about, I definitely want you to succeed in everything that you do.  What I've realized is that some folks are just stubborn, and no matter how persuasive I can be, sometimes I just need to leave it alone.  Either they'll have their own epiphany or they won't.

2. There will be times that the choices that others make just won't make sense.

This kinda goes along with the previous learned lesson.  What seems logical to me just doesn't hold the same kind of weight with others.  I am growing as a person and learning to respond to things differently, which leads to my next point...

3. There is absolutely nothing wrong with emotions, but when making decisions, my emotions must be put on hold.

I'm just a very emotional person by nature.  I cry when I'm upset, happy, all that jazz.  In the past, I have let my emotions take over my judgement and handled situations horribly, instead of taking a moment to regroup and really think about what I needed to do.  I've definitely learned--by watching others as well as in my own personal experiences--that emotion in the absence of logic is absolutely detrimental to my well being.

4. I've got to have me time.

As a mother, wife, student, friend, and all around awesome person, I can get caught up in taking care of everyone but myself.  By the time I think of me, I'm burned out and all I want to do is put my head on a pillow.  Rest is necessary, but I also need time to recharge, whether it be at the gym, drinks with friends, or just a quiet drive to nowhere in particular.

5. I've got to be careful who I call friend.

I've done alot of self evaluation regarding the company I've kept in the past, and I realize that some folks to which I gave the title of "friend" were no more than acquaintances.  At the same time, I recognize that people grow and go in different directions, and sometimes this changes the people that you hang out with, but there are other people who just really didn't belong in your circle in the first place.  I don't expect to talk to people everyday, but there are those that, no matter where our lives have taken us have remained permanent fixtures in my life.  There are others who have always been selfish and self serving, and those are the ones that have been eliminated.  Just like in my professional life, I will make more than one attempt to reach out, but I'd be a dummy to continue to contact you if you never call back or take some initiative to call me.  If you've blamed the failure of our relationship on my marriage, yet haven't reached out to call me since before I even said "I do," I'm probably talking about you.

6. No matter what I do, my son is going to find a way to put his hands down my shirt and squeeze.  If you're a woman and you hold him, he will do this to you as well.

He's one years old, hasn't been breast fed in months, but the boy loves the mammary glands.

Don't be fooled by this handsome face and big brown eyes.  This boy is a ninja when it comes to getting in a woman's shirt. I pray that he grows out of it soon...

7. I don't myself enough credit.

I'm pretty awesome, bottom line.  It has taken me almost 29 years to realize this, but I'm sure of it now.  You can't convince me of anything differently, so please don't try.

8. All of the things that I want, I can have.  All the things that I want to do, I can.

I get caught up in the thought of a thing so much some times that I never execute the plans to reach my goals or obtain the things that I want.  My brain is wired to think, examine, and re-examine just in case I missed something.  It has kept me from plenty, but not anymore.

9.  Everyone doesn't have to "get" me.

Not everyone understands me, and that's cool.  I don't always understand myself.  Not everyone is going to understand my dreams or the journey that I take in order to achieve those dreams, and that's cool as well.

10. Those that do get me can't always go with me.

No matter how much I succeed and grow, not everyone can go with me.  It's not because I don't want them to go, sometimes they just don't belong on the same path as me, no matter how much I want them to be.  They may have their own path, or they may need to pave that path for themselves.

I'm going to stop here, as this post turned out being longer than I expected.  Check in tomorrow for Part II of 2011 in review...

Letter to My Five Years Ago Self...

So I've noticed a few folks writing letters to their five years ago self.  Freedom Reeves did one over on her blog a couple weeks ago in response to Frank Ocean's letter to himself. Of course, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, because if there was a possibility to time travel, I would definitely go back and smack myself for some of the things that I did.  So here goes nothing...

Hey girl, it me. Well it's you, but it's me because we're the same person.  I'm just 5 years older.  You with me so far?  Around this time in 2006 you decided to shave your head AND get a tattoo within a 4 day period, and your mom almost had a conniption.  Don't worry, she got used to it all.  Now, you're going on three years of having locs, and you still just have that one tattoo.  Of course, you'd like more tattoos, but you're working on your financial responsibilities so you are being patient.

Congrats on graduating--I know it took you 5 years--but you finished.  It wasn't easy, and you know you could've done better, but you finished what you started.  Right now, you're working on getting into somebody's grad program, whether it be for Creative Writing or Social Work.  All those things that you wanted to do, you are working on achieving them.

Now I know your relationship with your father pretty much sucks, mostly because you've never felt like he was a father.  Well, you're going to have a real conversation with him, and you're going to tell him exactly how you feel.  Even though he'll continue to make excuses, you have said all that you can and need to say, and you're at peace with the situation.  You still talk to him from time to time, but you no longer roll your eyes when you see his number.  

Let's get into what's going on with you in 2006.  Your ass needs to find a job.  You didn't look for anything before graduation, and you're going to get a job working for Victoria's Secret soon.  You'll work for the company for over two years, have alot of headaches because of unnecessary drama that had nothing to do with you, and you're going to quit because you just don't want to deal with the bullshit anymore. 

For the most part, the friends that you kick it with hard right now are not going to be around in five years.  At least not like they used to be.  Nothing happened, no one fell out or had an argument, you guys just grew apart.  There will still be times when you guys get together, like weddings, baby showers and the such, but everyone has grown up and moved in different directions.  You're still tight with Shaun and the rest of the guys, so I guess I should be more specific.  Most of the relationships you had with other women have grown apart.  You and Tabitha are still tight, she's actually one of the godparents of your son.  Yeah, I said son.  We'll get to that one in a minute.  

You've got two more years with your great grandma.  She's been a hilarious and informative part of your life.  Her passing is going to hurt like shit, and when she first comes home from the hospital right before she passes, it's going to be hard as hell to go into her room and see her in that bed.  Once you get in there, though, you're there everyday until she passes.  She just may recognize you still because she smiles every time you walk into the room, and that makes you more comfortable.  There's going to be a lot of drama once she passes, though, and your name is going to dragged through the mud by people that are supposed to be family.  But since they have no idea about what's going on and have only assumed everything, fuck 'em.  They never took the time to have a conversation with you or ask you anything, they only flung fallacious accusations your way because they don't know how to have an adult conversation.

As far as relationships go, I know they've been sucking it up.  That last guy that you were really digging?  He's  going to start calling again.  And he's going to try to work his way back in, even though he told you that you were too fat to be his girlfriend.  You're going to get over that entire situation REAL quick when he starts telling you his philosophy on marriage.  You're probably thinking why the hell didn't I get over him when he told me I was too fat? Well, you haven't discovered how worthy you are of love and a good relationship yet, so you subject yourself to bullshit in the mean time.  The minute you stop dealing with him, you're going to meet a new guy.  Your friend Terrence is going to tell you to run the minute you give him all the details on this new guy, and you didn't listen.  He won't be The One either, you're going to get hurt, but you get over it.

Right now, your relationship with God is getting stronger.  You'll never be perfect, but realizing that is the first step to getting where you need to be.  You have a son.  His name is Nesta, he's eight months old, and he's got the perfect combination of both you and his father.  His father, your husband (yeah, take that one in, you got married before you turned thirty, surprise!) is a pretty awesome dude.  Your last name is Pruitt now, as in Terrence Pruitt.  Who knew that the man you'd marry would have been in your life for the last ten years?  You always said that you believed that you had already met your husband, and you were correct.  You had no way of knowing who your husband was, because you surely weren't looking to get married, but he came at the right time and the rest is history. You guys have been married for almost three years now.  It's a pretty great relationship, and both of you realize that marriage takes work, so you work on your relationship every day.  

So life didn't turn out too bad for you.  You're growing as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a Christian.  You are nowhere near where you were mentally back in 2006.  You are much more stable, much more happy, much more of who you are supposed to be.  Just hold on to your sanity a little bit longer and things are going to turn out for the better.  

P.S. Your boobs still look awesome! ;-)

Why can't we let go, even when we let go?

And when I say WE, I mean women. We have this need to know everything about everything and everybody, even when that thing may not be the best thing for us and when that person has left our lives. We talk about people that have long ago become our past as if they were still an intricate part of our present. I was talking to one of my best friends today, and we talked about how every once in awhile she thought about a guy she used to date and wondered where he was in his life now. Not a wonder in the sense that she wanted to reconnect, but to see whether he had grown up or was still the same ass he was when they dated. No matter how that person treated us, me and my friend both agreed that we as women are more inclined to wonder about a past situation or a person from our past. Why can't we just move on?

On the other hand, we have men. Let's take my husband, for example. He is the type of person that if you screw him over, you're essentially dead to him. Loyalty is a prerequisite for being in his life. You have no existence past your usefulness. It's hard for him--as well as most men--to let a situation continue to happen to them when they already know the outcome. He's not going to keep someone around that shows that they are no good for him. Now don't get me wrong, women appreciate loyalty, but it is definitely weighed differently. My husband doesn't think about folks and situations from his past and wonder how things are now. There have been times when his past has somehow ended up in his present--but not by his choice or his doing.

Why can't we as women let go of things?

I think it's because of our nurturing spirits. We want to save the world and everything in it at all costs, even if it costs us our own peace of mind. I can't tell you how many times I continued to deal with folks that weren't really my friends, for reasons that I can't even find right now. We want everyone to be ok. We want everything to turn out well. Both me and my girl have been in some crazy situations, and dealt with some crazy people. But we both have also rearranged our lives, removed ourselves from crazy situations, and have let the crazies go as well. Neither one of us has ill will towards anyone in our past, but that doesn't mean that we want to sip Vanilla Chai Tea and catch up either.

Regrets

There's a song by Letoya Luckett on the radio right now called Regret. It's definitely in high rotation, because every time I'm in the car I hear it at least twice (I'm not in the car but 20-30 minutes to and from work). The song is basically about a woman scorned who is somewhat taunting a former significant other. That significant other has done the woman wrong, had other women in her car, cheated on her, blah blah blah. The woman reminds her former lover that he wasn't much of anything before her, and that she made him the cool dude that he is today. The chorus goes a little something like this:

You must regret the day that you left me
You must regret the day that you left me
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me, oh
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me oh


Although Letoya is singing from a woman's perspective, this could definitely be a song from a man's perspective.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that we all have regrets. We regret that person that we let get away. We regret that comment we made that cost us our friend, job, relationship, etc. We regret that decision we made that cost us everything. We regret that food we ate that got our stomach a-bubblin'. There's just so many regrets, and I in no way can quantify whether a regret is big or small. They all affect us in some way.

Some of my regrets: Letting my relationship with God fall to the side as a teen; Not telling my mom everything that was going on at school with teachers; Not telling my mom about certain things my dad did to make me dislike him even more; Shit, no telling my mom alot of things; Waiting so long to realize that I was incorrectly communicating with the opposite sex; Waiting so long to realize just exactly how dope I really am; Not being closer friends with my husband when we were in college.

The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get my drift. We all have regrets, we all have things that we wish we could change. We all have things that we wish we would have never done or said.

Right now: What are you going to do now to make sure that you never make those mistakes again? Are you holding on to past regrets, or have you let them be a learning experience and moved on? I can honestly say that for the most part, I have definitely moved on. I still have issues with confidence, I still doubt myself sometimes. But I also catch myself having that lack of confidence and that doubt, and I do whatever is positive and in my ability to do in order to get out of that negative way of thinking. I cannot let past regrets and mistakes dictate what my future will look like. I can only accept that I messed up, and work on making my present and future better.

What are you doing? Are you holding on to past regrets? Or have you let your mistakes become your learning tools?

Scabs, Scars, and a Little Neosporin

I love the movie The Lion King for so many reasons. It shows that the things that you do, whether good or bad, can have long term effects on yourself, and on those around you. In the movie, there's Mufasa, King of the Pride Lands. He and his mate Sarabi have a newborn cub, Simba, who is next in line for the throne. Because he is jealous and wants to get the throne for himself, Mufasa's brother Scar sets in motion a plan that will end up with his brother dead and Simba presumed dead. Scar is then free to take the throne and become ruler of the Pride Lands. But Scar has left alot of dismay in his wake. Sarabi no longer has her mate or her son, Nala no longer has her friend Simba to play with, and no one besides Scar and his hyena minions is aware that Simba is actually alive!!! Scar has caused alot of damage in his desire to becoming king. Eventually Simba returns all grown up, everyone is pleased, and he and his uncle have a showdown. Scar admits to Simba that he killed his own brother, and that his minions--the hyenas--were not the culprits in Mufasa's murder. Simba throws Scar over the cliff, somewhat of a justice for him, as Scar had flung his own brother over a cliff and into a stampede. Scar is then devoured by the same hyenas that he had led, mistreated, and lied on. Scar wasn't a good brother, uncle, brother-in-law, or leader. He was more concerned with himself and a title. He wanted the title of king but didn't act like one. Because of his actions, Simba, Nala, Sarabi, and all of the Pride Lands were left with emotional scars, and Scar. He was the physical reminder of what the Pride Lands had lost.

We're not always aware of the scars that we have caused. Sometimes the scars are emotional or theoretical, something we can't physically see, but are definitely evident. I have a habit of cutting myself without knowing. I'll be getting ready for my day or winding down from my day and realize that a scab has started to form somewhere on my body. It's only then that I have to go back and think about my day and what could've caused the scab. I run into walls, scratched myself on random nails sticking out of doors, awakened to find that somehow, in my sleep, I had managed to cut myself.

After awhile, we know what these scabs do...they turn into scars. I have plenty. Scars that I've caused indirectly, by not paying attention to where I was going. Scars that I have caused directly, by doing something foolish that resulted in an encrustation somewhere on my person.

While drying off after a shower the other night (please try to stay focused, you may imagine me fresh out of the shower after you have read this post), I realized that a new scab was forming on my right foot. Once again, I had to think back to when I had done anything that would cause the scab. I remembered, a day or so before, that I had been trying to pick something up off of my bedroom floor and inadvertently banged the top of my foot on the ironing board. I also remembered the pain from the hit, the sting in the shower hours later (maintain your composure), and all of the profanity that spewed from my mouth asking my hubby to check it, disinfect it, and put a little Neosporin on it.

Now what does my clumsiness have to do with anything? I thought about it, and sometimes life is the exact same way. We've inadvertently done something, said something, or caused something that left a scar. Whether that scar was left on us or someone else, we sometimes forget about what originally happened. It may be the scar of past memories, or the scar of disappointment, or it just may be a actual, physical scar. We go through life clumsily, making the same mistakes over and over again, because we don't take the time to think about our words and our actions. We don't realize the damage we leave in our wake, as we trudge through life, doing whatever makes us feel good at the moment. We don't take into account the feelings of others when we make hateful comments. We don't think when we fly off the cuff as opposed to taking the time to sit back and assess a situation. Momma said it best, "Think before you speak."

Think before you speak, assess before you react, be observant of the things around you so that you don't leave scars. I can't say that everyone is perfect, or that you'll catch everything. There are so many things that happen in our lives, and we don't realize the damage we've done to ourselves, our lives, those around us, and even our future mate. Take the time to sit back and re-evaluate the things you've done. I will continue to do it as well. Have you made a comment to someone and they now avoid you every chance they get? Have you been careless with your heart, giving away the best parts of you to people that haven't deserved it? Have you written something that you can't take back, but you feel remorseful for it? Apologize, be more selective, be careful! You never know where you may be leaving scars.

They say if you love 'em...

They say if you love someone you should let them go, and if they come back, they're yours forever.

I say that's a load of garbage.

Now I know you might say, "well it might not be the right timing" or "they may need time apart to grow" or "blah blah blah, (enter excuse here)".

The way I see it, if you love someone, you hold on for dear life. Not in the sense of being a Grade A stalker or McClingy, but along the idea that you shouldn't just let a good thing walk out because you don't know what to do. Now, after hours and days and months and years of trying to work it out and nothing happens, OK, I kinda get letting go. But if you just wake up one morning and decide that you don't want to be someone's significant other--c'mon!!!! I get that some people just weren't meant to be together in the first place--but that's their own damn fault for going with all emotion and no logic. When you're in a relationship, you are making decisions for two, not just you! Man/woman-up and get yourself together! Letting go without a fight is for sissies.

That is all.

Alone with my thoughts...

My memory is like Jay-Z's Blueprint--it's a gift and a curse. There are conversations I can repeat word for word back to you, situations where I can tell what everyone was doing, what they were wearing, etc. I'd probably be a great witness if the police needed to do a sketch for a suspect. But on the other hand, I hold onto things for years and rehash those situations over and over with anyone that will listen. The worst part, however, is how my mind replays situations over and over again, giving me time to think about what I should have done differently, what I could have said, and what the possible and maybe better outcome could have been. I've been like this for years, partially I believe because of all of the times people have tried to discredit me. But I'm 26 years old now, and shouldn't care about what others think, right? Of course I shouldn't. And I shouldn't be worried about people who aren't thinking about me, right? Of course not.

I'm starting to think that it has more to do with me and not with the other people involved. Alot of my mental replays have to do with what I could have said or what I should have said to make the situtations go a different way. How I shouldn't have gotten emotional, or maybe I should have written down everything I wanted to say before I got there as to make sure I didn't forget anything. It's more of me replaying all of the times where I have felt like I failed myself.

My husband pointed out (before we got married) that I was demarcating time with the men that were in my life. I didn't even realize it. I could tell him where I was and what I was doing based on the year and the man that I was dealing with. I wasn't bringing this up to get a rile out of my husband, nor was I conscious that I was doing it at all. I realized then that I had to work on myself. I have made a conscious effort to not demarcate time in the same way I have done in the past. I find it so much easier since my husband pointed it out, becasue the only man that has had my attention is him. I know that it is something that gets under his skin, and I have worked on other ways of recalling the past.

It's definitely a battle, because I'm always remembering situations in my life where I feel people did me wrong. I know it's not healthy, and I know that all those memories and people involved have power over me for as long as I harp over the past. I am working on getting out of the habit of bringing up old things. It's time to make new memories.