Oh, Women....

I think I'm on a roll with my womenfolk...

So I was thinking about another situation that I know about amongst women. Have you ever noticed that women can mess something up really well when they're scared? I have a few friends that have been in relationships, and had someone on the side. Sex was not always involved in the situation when there was a side piece--some of these women just liked the attention that someone gave them, others really wanted to explore what else was out there in the dating world while keeping something close to home, and some really just wanted to have sex.

Let's explore these friends separately and more in depth...

1)Some of these women just liked the attention that someone gave them...

Everyone likes attention. The problem is when this attention costs someone a relationship. I had a friend who was living with her guy, thought she was going to marry him and everything. That's what she wanted, that's what they talked about. But this friend also had someone from a past situation that kept coming around. She'd bump into him at parties and he made it clear what he wanted from her. She liked the attention. These two talked and saw each other every once in awhile, and she got her "fix"--she got the attention she wanted, even though it wasn't from her significant other.

Needless to say, the boyfriend had a "feeling" about things, but never actually knew anything. For months he just knew that something was going on, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Now I must say that the boyfriend did have his personal issues, including an issue of trusting women (and his girl wasn't helping). All of this was enough to cause a rift in the relationship (along with other things), and the friend and her boyfriend broke up. Last I heard, he's married.

Moral of this story: The attention that you feel you're not getting--express it to your mate. You'd be surprised to find that they don't even realize that you feel a certain way, and if it's a pretty good relationship otherwise, they'll probably get themselves together and do exactly what you've been missing. If not, then it probably wasn't the right relationship for you anyways!

2) ...others really wanted to explore what else was out there in the dating world while keeping someone close to home...

I've got another friend that started what we in Chicago like to call "talking" to two gentlemen around the same time. There was no commitment, and neither man thought they were in a relationship. Eventually sex became a part of both of these relationships, both men wanted more, and she had to choose. She chose who she felt was "safe", while the other continued to be clueless to her new relationship status. This actually went on for a couple of years, with the boyfriend turning out to not be what she needed in her life. The gentlemen left on the outside always kept in contact with my friend, and she actually found herself falling in love with the outsider. The problem? She had problems with being alone, and continued to deal with the boyfriend who had already proven that he was not the one for her. The outsider was told by my friend that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and respectfully tried to honor her feelings, but found himself falling for my friend as well. It was almost disclosed to this outsider that my friend was dating someone, but things were cleaned up pretty quickly, and no one was the wiser to the situation. Now my friend finds herself wanting to be with the man who used to be the outsider.

Here's the problem. I feel like she has created this situation that lacked honesty, and the entire thing may backfire in her face, it may not. I honestly don't know. But I wonder how can she have a healthy relationship with this man that used to be an outsider, when most of their relationship was built on lies that she told to keep him both at bay and on standby. Does she need to disclose her previous situation and let him know that she led him to believe that she wasn't ready for a relationship when she was in one the whole time? Or does she just need to keep it moving and build a relationship now, not worrying about the past and the lies she's had to tell?

3)...and some just really want to have sex.

Here's another friend. She was in a long term relationship for a considerable part of her young adult life. Things went sour, the relationship ended on bad terms after repeatedly trying to make it work. This friend went across the country to be with this man, so of course she moved back home once it was over. She's always been the type to attract men no matter where she is. She's a gorgeous woman. She doesn't always like the attention, and has taken drastic measures in the past to avoid getting attention. It still doesn't work. Nevertheless, she has returned home, attracting the attention of many men. She doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't want to be "tied down". She has been pretty open with me in that she knows whether she wants to sleep with someone, and that predicates whether she'll let a conversation go further than just "hello". So as of now, she's "just having fun", sleeping with whomever she wants, sometimes keeping someone around for long periods of time out of convenience.

So this is dangerous for so many reasons. I don't think I need to explain them all.

So what's the deal with us women? Is a fear thing that keeps us from being the jewels that we were made to be? What's going on? I have to say that part of the reason that our women go unchecked is because of the people surrounding them. True friends should check their friends when they get out of pocket or go off the deep end. The problem is that we don't. We try to sympathize, empathize, support, and sometimes even encourage our friends. We want to appear to be the friend that is there, but we're useless.

So after all that has been said, the moral of the story is: CHECK YOUR DAMN FRIENDS. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS, BUT NOT CHECKING A FRIEND IS THE SAME AS AGREEING THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS OK. NOT SAYING SOMETHING SAYS SOMETHING.

DISCLAIMER: If any of the friends that I spoke about read this, you know who you are. I've done dumb things in my life, so I'm not perfect. This is more of a eye opener to re-evaluate the friends that you keep around you and not a condemnation of anyone.

That is all.

Keep Ya Love Locked Down!!!

I hate traffic. That is the one thing in my life that I can truly say that I hate. If you know me and you know my husband, he can definitely tell you that hate is not a word I take lightly. Anyways, traffic is just this unnecessary thing. People don't know where they're going, don't know what they're doing, don't know how to merge, don't know how to use signals....they just don't know. I get frustrated cuz I've only been driving (legally) since I was 20, and I feel like I drive better than folks that have been on the road way longer than me. There's all these unnecessary accidents and all these fuels are letting toxins into the earth's atmosphere. Not to mention that stopping and then going and then stopping and then going and then...well, it's not fun. Personally, my feet and legs cramp, I get sleepy, and I get irritated. It's so much more relaxing when you're in traffic and you're just a passenger, cuz then you can just be an annoying backseat driver relax.

Life is simpler when there is less traffic. I made a phone call today, and while waiting for the person to answer, I got to listen to Kanye's Love Lockdown:

"I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/What I had to do/had to run from you/I'm in love with you/but the vibe is wrong/And that haunted me/all the way home/So ya never know/never never know/Never know enough/ til it's over love/Til we lose control/system overload/Screaming no no no, no no.

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/See I wanna move/but can't escape from you/So I keep it low/keep a secret code/So everybody else don't have to know

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down (Repeat 2x)
You keep ya love locked down/you lose.

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I can't keep my cool/so I keep it true/I got something to lose/so I gotta move/I can't keep myself/and still keep you too/So I keep in mind/when I'm on my own/Somewhere far from home/in the danger zone/How many times did it take til I finally got through/You lose/you lose

See I had to go/see I had to go/No more wasting time/we can't wait for life/Which is wasting time/where's the finish line

[chorus]

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I met no one new/I got no one new/No I said I'm through/but got love for you/But I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/Gotta keep it going/keep the loving going/Keep it on a roll/only God knows/Am I into you/baby I'm confused/You choose/you choose

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/Way I got to go/I don't need you/I been on this road/too many times before/I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to

[chorus]

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/ya love locked down/If you keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/you lose


Ok. So I know you didn't ask for me to recite Kanye's "Love Lockdown",nor did you ask me about my feelings on traffic. Just wait, I'ma connect it all. To me, the song sounds like a tale of trying to make a relationship work that for whatever reasons, just won't. Either this is the tale of a man who just couldn't get himself together, couldn't make the relationship work. OR this is the tale of man that was getting himself together and realized that in getting himself together, the relationships around him were changing or diminishing. Either way, relationships weren't working.

The word "love" is a big part of the song, seen/heard multiple times in the lyrics and even in the song's title. The lyrics made me think of how people sometimes mistakenly use the words "sex" and "love" interchangeably. There's countless sexually driven songs about a woman giving her "loving" to her man or someone else's man, or a man wanting his woman's "loving"or the "loving" of someone else, and absolutely none of it has to do with the true definition/meaning of love. I can't say what Kanye was feeling when he wrote this song, because I wasn't there, I didn't talk to him or get the chance to ask him. But the first thing I thought of today when I heard the song on the phone was that if folks just kept their "love" on lockdown, society as a whole would be in a better place. Folks wouldn't think it was ok to jump from bed to bed to make themselves feel good. Sex wouldn't just be this thing people use as a coping mechanism. Sex wouldn't be used as a tool in climbing the corporate ladder. People wouldn't have to tell their partner about all the previous partners they had, cuz there wouldn't be any. People wouldn't have to be scared of a STI test, cuz they hadn't done anything to contract a disease. Relationships that otherwise could have or would have worked end up falling apart because folks can't get over the fact that their partner has been with other people.

I've been married for almost a year now, and I realize that some things would be so much more simple had my husband and I had no previous sexual partners. Neither one of us is the jealous type, nor do either of us have pages upon pages of partners. The issue is that someone else got something before either of us got to experience each other. Now I'm not lying to my husband when I tell him he's the Best I've Ever Had (thanks, Drake), but there's still going to be the fact that he's not my first, nor am I his. I just think that life is simpler when there's less traffic.
AAAAAAHHHHHH, so THAT'S what this has to do with traffic!
Yep, it all connects now, right? No matter how you look at it, traffic is this noisome, bothersome pest that keeps people tense and on edge, just like a person having multiple sex buddies would understandably make that person's new partner on edge. I say all of this to get to a point. Whether you call it your "love" or just plain out call it sex, it's not meant to have heavy traffic. It's too special for all of those ins and outs, detours, heavy constructions and potholes. Folks can't "love you the way they wanted to," because in the back of their mind, they're still thinking about all the other folks, and whether they measure up to your past. Keep your "love locked down" or, "you lose."
My hubby, King Kito, has a blog on here too. Go check out King Kito's blog page as well. He's dope.