The Hiatus is Over!! Kinda....

I know it has been awhile since I blogged. I'm not even sure if anyone even reads this or cares, but it sure as hell has been therapy for me....

Anyways, I'm back off of my hiatus, Thanksgiving was great--I got to see family I haven't seen in a while--and I didn't overindulge. Now I'm back in full force, trying to get this ONE grad school application done before the year is over. It's a damn shame that I have taken so long, especially since it is only ONE application. Well, I must give myself a little more credit. I have completed the majority of the application. Only thing that I am waiting for now are two of my three letters of recommendation, my transcripts, and the inspiration to write my statement of purpose. Give me a break, it takes time for the magic to work.

So, I guess this isn't really a true blog entry. I'll be back inspired and ready to write in a few days....

Regrets

There's a song by Letoya Luckett on the radio right now called Regret. It's definitely in high rotation, because every time I'm in the car I hear it at least twice (I'm not in the car but 20-30 minutes to and from work). The song is basically about a woman scorned who is somewhat taunting a former significant other. That significant other has done the woman wrong, had other women in her car, cheated on her, blah blah blah. The woman reminds her former lover that he wasn't much of anything before her, and that she made him the cool dude that he is today. The chorus goes a little something like this:

You must regret the day that you left me
You must regret the day that you left me
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me, oh
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me oh


Although Letoya is singing from a woman's perspective, this could definitely be a song from a man's perspective.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that we all have regrets. We regret that person that we let get away. We regret that comment we made that cost us our friend, job, relationship, etc. We regret that decision we made that cost us everything. We regret that food we ate that got our stomach a-bubblin'. There's just so many regrets, and I in no way can quantify whether a regret is big or small. They all affect us in some way.

Some of my regrets: Letting my relationship with God fall to the side as a teen; Not telling my mom everything that was going on at school with teachers; Not telling my mom about certain things my dad did to make me dislike him even more; Shit, no telling my mom alot of things; Waiting so long to realize that I was incorrectly communicating with the opposite sex; Waiting so long to realize just exactly how dope I really am; Not being closer friends with my husband when we were in college.

The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get my drift. We all have regrets, we all have things that we wish we could change. We all have things that we wish we would have never done or said.

Right now: What are you going to do now to make sure that you never make those mistakes again? Are you holding on to past regrets, or have you let them be a learning experience and moved on? I can honestly say that for the most part, I have definitely moved on. I still have issues with confidence, I still doubt myself sometimes. But I also catch myself having that lack of confidence and that doubt, and I do whatever is positive and in my ability to do in order to get out of that negative way of thinking. I cannot let past regrets and mistakes dictate what my future will look like. I can only accept that I messed up, and work on making my present and future better.

What are you doing? Are you holding on to past regrets? Or have you let your mistakes become your learning tools?

Alone With My Thoughts

I'm educated. I'm pretty smart. I'm in love and married to the man of my dreams. I'm in the process of filling out Grad School applications. I'm a good friend, great sister, and a damn good lover! What's my biggest problem though? My confidence. Now how could someone that speaks highly of herself have confidence issues? I'll tell you.

I second guess myself all the time.

I'll be so firm giving a friend advice, and in the next breath will question and re-evaluate everything I said. I'm so used to being around fickle people, that if I upset or frustrate my husband, I HAVE to ask him if he still likes me. This is something that I should already know without a shadow of a doubt. Sometimes I just think that I let my past dictate what I think people will feel now. I don't know. This was more of a post to get things out of my head rather than one to appease the readers. I'll be back soon with more...

Scabs, Scars, and a Little Neosporin

I love the movie The Lion King for so many reasons. It shows that the things that you do, whether good or bad, can have long term effects on yourself, and on those around you. In the movie, there's Mufasa, King of the Pride Lands. He and his mate Sarabi have a newborn cub, Simba, who is next in line for the throne. Because he is jealous and wants to get the throne for himself, Mufasa's brother Scar sets in motion a plan that will end up with his brother dead and Simba presumed dead. Scar is then free to take the throne and become ruler of the Pride Lands. But Scar has left alot of dismay in his wake. Sarabi no longer has her mate or her son, Nala no longer has her friend Simba to play with, and no one besides Scar and his hyena minions is aware that Simba is actually alive!!! Scar has caused alot of damage in his desire to becoming king. Eventually Simba returns all grown up, everyone is pleased, and he and his uncle have a showdown. Scar admits to Simba that he killed his own brother, and that his minions--the hyenas--were not the culprits in Mufasa's murder. Simba throws Scar over the cliff, somewhat of a justice for him, as Scar had flung his own brother over a cliff and into a stampede. Scar is then devoured by the same hyenas that he had led, mistreated, and lied on. Scar wasn't a good brother, uncle, brother-in-law, or leader. He was more concerned with himself and a title. He wanted the title of king but didn't act like one. Because of his actions, Simba, Nala, Sarabi, and all of the Pride Lands were left with emotional scars, and Scar. He was the physical reminder of what the Pride Lands had lost.

We're not always aware of the scars that we have caused. Sometimes the scars are emotional or theoretical, something we can't physically see, but are definitely evident. I have a habit of cutting myself without knowing. I'll be getting ready for my day or winding down from my day and realize that a scab has started to form somewhere on my body. It's only then that I have to go back and think about my day and what could've caused the scab. I run into walls, scratched myself on random nails sticking out of doors, awakened to find that somehow, in my sleep, I had managed to cut myself.

After awhile, we know what these scabs do...they turn into scars. I have plenty. Scars that I've caused indirectly, by not paying attention to where I was going. Scars that I have caused directly, by doing something foolish that resulted in an encrustation somewhere on my person.

While drying off after a shower the other night (please try to stay focused, you may imagine me fresh out of the shower after you have read this post), I realized that a new scab was forming on my right foot. Once again, I had to think back to when I had done anything that would cause the scab. I remembered, a day or so before, that I had been trying to pick something up off of my bedroom floor and inadvertently banged the top of my foot on the ironing board. I also remembered the pain from the hit, the sting in the shower hours later (maintain your composure), and all of the profanity that spewed from my mouth asking my hubby to check it, disinfect it, and put a little Neosporin on it.

Now what does my clumsiness have to do with anything? I thought about it, and sometimes life is the exact same way. We've inadvertently done something, said something, or caused something that left a scar. Whether that scar was left on us or someone else, we sometimes forget about what originally happened. It may be the scar of past memories, or the scar of disappointment, or it just may be a actual, physical scar. We go through life clumsily, making the same mistakes over and over again, because we don't take the time to think about our words and our actions. We don't realize the damage we leave in our wake, as we trudge through life, doing whatever makes us feel good at the moment. We don't take into account the feelings of others when we make hateful comments. We don't think when we fly off the cuff as opposed to taking the time to sit back and assess a situation. Momma said it best, "Think before you speak."

Think before you speak, assess before you react, be observant of the things around you so that you don't leave scars. I can't say that everyone is perfect, or that you'll catch everything. There are so many things that happen in our lives, and we don't realize the damage we've done to ourselves, our lives, those around us, and even our future mate. Take the time to sit back and re-evaluate the things you've done. I will continue to do it as well. Have you made a comment to someone and they now avoid you every chance they get? Have you been careless with your heart, giving away the best parts of you to people that haven't deserved it? Have you written something that you can't take back, but you feel remorseful for it? Apologize, be more selective, be careful! You never know where you may be leaving scars.

BALLS OF THE WEEK #2...BEYONCE

Balls of the Week is a series here on Finding Me. I will be talking about someone on a level of dopeness not obtained by most. It's about the folks that step outside of what is expected of them and reach for something higher. It's about the folks that don't settle for normal. Normal is boring....

Ok, there's probably a MILLION reasons that we could think of for Mrs. Knowles-Carter and why she's dope. Whether you like her, love her, hate her, or could care less, Beyonce's got balls.

Really, I think Beyonce' has the potential to become as big as Miss Tina Turner (minus the beatdowns). If Tina announced that she wanted to ever do a tour again, TRUST, she would sell out. I think that Beyonce' could achieve that type of status in her lifetime. Let's ignore Bey's penchant for the five thousand dollar lace front wigs and onesies for a moment. She's talented, has CRAZY stage presence, and is a dope entertainer. I've got Destiny's Child Destiny Fulfilled tour and both of Bey's previous tours on DVD. Beyonce/Sasha definitely has a big personality on stage. Now I can't say that I connect with her music all the time, but I must admit, most of it is definitely catchy. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I still break out all of my dance moves when Get Me Bodied comes on.

But here's my real reason why I think Beyonce' is deserving of the Balls of the Week title. This woman basically said "Ok, it's me, and two other chicks doing all of my videos for this album. We don't need all those extras. They can just look at us dancing for 3 and a half minutes."

REALLY BEY? You just gonna forsake all those video chicks and attention loving extras, the ones that need the money during these times of recession? Is that how you feel? You and two chicks (One is still questionable, I SWEAR that the lil dark-skinned one had a penis when it was born is a dude.) just out there gettin' it IN, just simple sets and your background dancers. Well, some could argue that it's just like Destiny's Child days, when Bey was front and center and Michelle and Kelly (and the other former members) lacked any relevance, they were just there to make Bey look good. Whatever the feeling, Bey is hot, Bey is fierce, and not many folks can just say "hey, let's just make this a video with just me and some other chicks dancing." So for that reason, Mrs. Knowles-Carter, I salute you, you've got the Balls of the Week.

BRANDY!

So I don't know how much anyone knows about me and my husband's musical taste, but one thing we both agree on is that Brandy is dope! Half the chicks that are out right now couldn't do what they do had it not been for Ms. Norwood. Here's Brandy in a new element, something you may not have expected from her. I think it's pretty good.

Enjoy!!

BALLS OF THE WEEK #1...Melody Ehsani

So this will be something new I do every week, my BALLS OF THE WEEK series. I will be talking about someone on a level of dopeness not obtained by most. It's about the folks that step outside of what is expected of them and reach for something higher. It's about the folks that don't settle for normal. Normal is boring....

So if you know me at all, you know that I'm not a big jewelry person. Sure, I've bought plenty of necklaces (and given them away). I have a ton of earrings that I have every intention of wearing, but end up forgetting about until I decide to go through my bag-o-earrings every once in awhile.

I tend to wear the same studs everyday, and if I don't purchase anymore, will continue to wear those same studs until they fall apart. My previous studs before the current ones were disco ball-esque ones that I had purchased back in 2006 from Express. I wore them things until last Christmas, when my hubby, tired of the disco ball, gave me some new studs to sport around. Of course I was appreciative, but I'm sure he's already tired of seeing me in the ones he got.

The only time I really tend to switch it up, I end up wearing big hoops. Hoops just seem to be uniform to almost anything I'm wearing when we go out: movies, dinner, parties, concerts. If it's not work, I'm probably wearing hoops...with the studs now moved to my second hole.

Anyways, this brings me to my newfound appreciation for jewelry. I'm all about the creative, and this woman gets me excited. Melody Ehsani is a dope woman. Besides the fact that she went against everything expected of her and followed her passion, she a great designer. So she gets mad props on all ends of the spectrum from me. She's been in the accessory arena for a minute, but with shoes. Her shoes are dope as well, but her jewelry is just so creative. You may have seen her jewelry on Keri Hilson. Keri wears Melody's creations alot, and it fits her style. She's a pretty stylish chick herself.

Here's a screen shot from the Turning Me On video with Ms. Hilson wearing one of Melody Ehsani's pieces (the ring).

The great thing about Melody Ehsani's jewelry line is that there are some pieces that you can design to your taste. You pick whether the specific piece is silver or gold, you pick the colors, and in some cases you can even pick the word(s) you would like to appear on your jewelry.

Melody started designing jewelry because of Saul Williams. He needed someone to do the cover art for his album The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust. Melody turned out to be that person. She created him some pieces for his cover and the rest is history. She has a good creative flow. I think I'll be picking up some of her jewelry soon...

Born and raised in Los Angeles in a traditional Persian family, like many of my cousins and friends I applied to go off to law school after college, but I couldn't stay there. I decided to break with my culture and follow my heart into a field I was internally drawn to...design...CLICK HERE to read more about Melody and check out her shoe and jewelry lines. Dopeness!!!

PJ! PJ! PJ! PJ!

Ok, so I told you folks about PJ Morton last week. I saw his concert at Double Door, and I am that much more of a fan! When someone's music already makes you feel good when you're in the car, and they can then evoke MORE feelings live...MAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN....that's an artist for that ass!!!! I mean, so much profanity ran through my head as I witnessed the greatness that is PJ on Friday (it was happiness-filled profanity). That man was just that dope.

PJ's live act is beyond words. I can't really even describe it really. I was so happy to get to the Double Door and see him that I forgot to eat. I hadn't eaten since 12pm that day, and PJ didn't even hit the stage til midnight. By the time he came out, my feet were hurting (I had on pumps), I was dizzy as all hell, and I was irritated by the girl who decided to stand in front of me. Nevertheless, all ailments were forgotten (momentarily) once PJ got on stage. Eventually, I had to sit down and my hubby got me some water, cuz I was dizzy and dehydrated. Yes, big ol me neglected all sense because I just wanted to get to PJ.

I was also excited to see one of his background singers, Zebulan Ellis. If you don't recognize the name, he was one of the contestants on BET's Sunday's Best, a singing competition for the good ole gospel folks. Now Zebulan was great on the show, and he was #4 of all contestants, getting eliminated as the last man standing (the final 3 contestants were female). Anyways, Zebulan was great on the show, but I am so glad that he didn't win!!! My husband and I got to tell him as much after PJ's show. Zebulan's voice is an instrument, he is awesome. Zeb used his voice as some of the flute parts from one of PJ's songs, but his vocal range in general is just crazy. I can't wait to hear what he's going to do on his own album.

All in all, the concert was great. I didn't even want to listen to PJ's CD once we got back in the car, not because it was bad, but because after a live performance like that...yeah, he definitely needs a live album, asap! I was still excited on the way home, and on the way to work the following morning. I only got 4 hours of sleep, but it was definitely worth it. Besides, I climbed right back into the bed as soon as I got home.

Be on the lookout for PJ's album "Walk Alone" in stores 2.9.10!!! You won't be disappointed. His first single "The One" should be hitting airwaves pretty soon. It's dope!

New Music Experience

So tonight, I'm going to Double Door in Chicago to have my first live PJ Morton experience. My husband introduced me to him awhile ago, and I had been checking out some videos on YouTube of Mr. Morton. Let's just say, he's the Stevie Wonder of our generation. Just give him some time.

You may not recognize the name, but you'll definitely recognize his music. He's written songs for some of the biggest gospel, neo-soul and r&b artists. He's done musical and vocal arrangements, sang background, written songs for some of the dopest folks in the game. PJ Morton's music for himself is definitely dope as well.

I decided to purchase one of PJ's albums a couple weeks ago, Emotions. It was definitely worth my 12 bucks! It's all i have been listening to since I bought it. I also purchased his book, Why Can't I Sing About Love? It's basically about how some church folks tend to look down on what they consider "secular" music because it's not about God. PJ makes alot of sense in his book and some of the same ideas he touched on are some of the things me and my husband have discussed ourselves. PJ's music is about love, in all of its forms, and since God IS love, there should be no problem with him deciding to write music considered gospel, r&b, and neo-soul, ABOUT LOVE. None of that raunchy, babytakeyourclothesoffanddomerighthereandthenimgoingtogohometomywifeandkidsandiwillseeyouanotherday music. He talks about REAL LOVE.

Even his father, a prominent pastor/bishop in New Orleans says that he's been enlightened by PJ's book. He made a comment in the forward to the effect that he isn't going to put "Jesus Keep me Near the Cross" on when him and his wife are spending quality/romantic time together. It's all about the intention and the words in the music. You can definitely talk about love without all the nastiness. I hope you find that PJ is just as dope as I think he is. Click here to go to PJ's website and check out good reports on his book. Enjoy!!!

Keep Ya Love Locked Down!!!

I hate traffic. That is the one thing in my life that I can truly say that I hate. If you know me and you know my husband, he can definitely tell you that hate is not a word I take lightly. Anyways, traffic is just this unnecessary thing. People don't know where they're going, don't know what they're doing, don't know how to merge, don't know how to use signals....they just don't know. I get frustrated cuz I've only been driving (legally) since I was 20, and I feel like I drive better than folks that have been on the road way longer than me. There's all these unnecessary accidents and all these fuels are letting toxins into the earth's atmosphere. Not to mention that stopping and then going and then stopping and then going and then...well, it's not fun. Personally, my feet and legs cramp, I get sleepy, and I get irritated. It's so much more relaxing when you're in traffic and you're just a passenger, cuz then you can just be an annoying backseat driver relax.

Life is simpler when there is less traffic. I made a phone call today, and while waiting for the person to answer, I got to listen to Kanye's Love Lockdown:

"I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/What I had to do/had to run from you/I'm in love with you/but the vibe is wrong/And that haunted me/all the way home/So ya never know/never never know/Never know enough/ til it's over love/Til we lose control/system overload/Screaming no no no, no no.

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/See I wanna move/but can't escape from you/So I keep it low/keep a secret code/So everybody else don't have to know

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down (Repeat 2x)
You keep ya love locked down/you lose.

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I can't keep my cool/so I keep it true/I got something to lose/so I gotta move/I can't keep myself/and still keep you too/So I keep in mind/when I'm on my own/Somewhere far from home/in the danger zone/How many times did it take til I finally got through/You lose/you lose

See I had to go/see I had to go/No more wasting time/we can't wait for life/Which is wasting time/where's the finish line

[chorus]

I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/I met no one new/I got no one new/No I said I'm through/but got love for you/But I'm not loving you/the way I wanted to/Gotta keep it going/keep the loving going/Keep it on a roll/only God knows/Am I into you/baby I'm confused/You choose/you choose

I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to/Way I got to go/I don't need you/I been on this road/too many times before/I ain't loving you/the way I wanted to

[chorus]

So keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/ya love locked down/If you keep ya love locked down/ya love locked down/Keeping ya love locked down/you lose


Ok. So I know you didn't ask for me to recite Kanye's "Love Lockdown",nor did you ask me about my feelings on traffic. Just wait, I'ma connect it all. To me, the song sounds like a tale of trying to make a relationship work that for whatever reasons, just won't. Either this is the tale of a man who just couldn't get himself together, couldn't make the relationship work. OR this is the tale of man that was getting himself together and realized that in getting himself together, the relationships around him were changing or diminishing. Either way, relationships weren't working.

The word "love" is a big part of the song, seen/heard multiple times in the lyrics and even in the song's title. The lyrics made me think of how people sometimes mistakenly use the words "sex" and "love" interchangeably. There's countless sexually driven songs about a woman giving her "loving" to her man or someone else's man, or a man wanting his woman's "loving"or the "loving" of someone else, and absolutely none of it has to do with the true definition/meaning of love. I can't say what Kanye was feeling when he wrote this song, because I wasn't there, I didn't talk to him or get the chance to ask him. But the first thing I thought of today when I heard the song on the phone was that if folks just kept their "love" on lockdown, society as a whole would be in a better place. Folks wouldn't think it was ok to jump from bed to bed to make themselves feel good. Sex wouldn't just be this thing people use as a coping mechanism. Sex wouldn't be used as a tool in climbing the corporate ladder. People wouldn't have to tell their partner about all the previous partners they had, cuz there wouldn't be any. People wouldn't have to be scared of a STI test, cuz they hadn't done anything to contract a disease. Relationships that otherwise could have or would have worked end up falling apart because folks can't get over the fact that their partner has been with other people.

I've been married for almost a year now, and I realize that some things would be so much more simple had my husband and I had no previous sexual partners. Neither one of us is the jealous type, nor do either of us have pages upon pages of partners. The issue is that someone else got something before either of us got to experience each other. Now I'm not lying to my husband when I tell him he's the Best I've Ever Had (thanks, Drake), but there's still going to be the fact that he's not my first, nor am I his. I just think that life is simpler when there's less traffic.
AAAAAAHHHHHH, so THAT'S what this has to do with traffic!
Yep, it all connects now, right? No matter how you look at it, traffic is this noisome, bothersome pest that keeps people tense and on edge, just like a person having multiple sex buddies would understandably make that person's new partner on edge. I say all of this to get to a point. Whether you call it your "love" or just plain out call it sex, it's not meant to have heavy traffic. It's too special for all of those ins and outs, detours, heavy constructions and potholes. Folks can't "love you the way they wanted to," because in the back of their mind, they're still thinking about all the other folks, and whether they measure up to your past. Keep your "love locked down" or, "you lose."
My hubby, King Kito, has a blog on here too. Go check out King Kito's blog page as well. He's dope.

Find Yoself!!!

"They're mentors, like it or not. They are mentors, and they need to show their good side."

This was a statement made by Pamela Eyring, director of the Protocol School of Washington in response to the behavior of Joe Wilson, Kanye West, Serena Williams, and any other public figure/celebrity/athlete that has or will behave in a manner that most would deem unacceptable.

Here's my problem.

Why do we look to these public figures as mentors? I get the idea that they are in a prominent place, and that children and teens alike can look to them as examples of hard work, dedication, etc. But what about the mom that works two jobs, goes to school and takes care of her kids on a daily basis? What about the doctor who has spent hours and years perfecting his specialty in order to become the best in his field? What about all the countless everyday men and women who bust their asses to be the best?

We have sensationalized people in the public eye to a point where our children ONLY look to them for examples, ONLY use them as role models. I remember, growing up and wanting to be like my Aunt Denise. She was cool, calm, took care of her family, and didn't care what anyone thought about her. I can recall a specific instance where I broke down and started crying because I was stressed out about my family. Denise told me: "You tell them to go to hell. If it's not your grandma or your mama, you tell them to go to hell. No one should have you stressing like that."

I wish there were more people in our children's lives that our children COULD look up to--I'm tired of hearing kids talk about how all they want to do is play ball or be a star. Now don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do those things, but what children fail to realize is that these people in the spotlight WORKED HARD. Some children have delusions of grandeur where everything happens overnight and all is handed to them without any type of work. Children also tend to emulate what they see on television, in movies, etc. because they believe that is how the real world works. I love when folks get a dose of reality.

We need to talk to our own children, encourage their dreams, but don't let them think anything worth having comes easy. Yeah, they may have the talent, but they still need to WORK. Having a personal mentor that just happens to be famous is cool, but how many kids can actually say that their mentor is Pharrell Williams or Sean P. Diddy Combs? So I say it's cool to look up to those folks that set a good example, but we gotta make sure our kids have everyday heroes to look up to as well. Find Yoself!!!

Crucifying Kanye with Hennesy Black-Soaked Rope

Great, I have your attention. In some folks' eyes, I may be late, but I work on my own time.

Events that took place at this year's VMAs have had people talking, twittering, debating, and blogging all week. The immediate response to Kanye's behavior was emminent, when there's a social network like Twitter available and everyone can update instantly. I was a little behind on the happenings of the show, as neither myself nor my husband like commercials, and thus we started watching the show on DVR about an hour or so after it started. I had to stop checking my Twitter once folks started talking--all I knew when I shut down my Twitter was that Kanye did SOMETHING. I wanted to see what was going on as it happened on my DVR, so all cellular communications ceased momentarily.

Nevertheless, by now, we know what happened. Taylor Swift won an award over Beyonce' and other nominees, Kanye felt like Mrs. Knowles-Carter should have won, and thus proceeded to take the mic out of the country teen's hand and express his feelings on national television for the entire viewer audience to see.

Now I have gone back and forth with my opinions on Mr. West's behavior. At first, I thought the entire thing was bogus. I wasn't talking about going out and lynching the man, but I thought it was bogus. As time passed and I could process and develop my opinion on what happened, I came to this conclusion: he chose the WRONG time to make a CORRECT observation.

There are so many arguments to be had with the behavior of Kanye West.

1) The artist community should support each other, therefore there should be no disrespect amongst them: Kanye was disrespectful to a fellow artist. (Sidenote: An artist can respect another artist, but respecting that artist's work is a different story--I can't get down to SouljaBoy, OJ the Juiceman, among some other folks. I just can't go)

Ok, continue...

2)Kanye made a correct observation, and his timing made for a more entertaining show.

3)Kanye made a correct observation, but should have chosen a more appropriate time to make his assertion.

4)Kanye is arrogant and took away from a teenage star's moment in the spotlight.

I could go on and on but you get the gist....

Did anyone notice how Jack Black encouraged the audience to pray and then led them in a prayer to Satan? Or that Russell Brand referenced his genitalia on more than one occasion? Or that crazy ass Lady Gaga finished her performance with an onstage "suicide"?

All of these things go unchecked, yet people want to call Kanye all out his name because of his behavior. Now I'm not condoning drunkenness, but did anyone check out the red carpet picks of Mr. West and his boo Amber Rose? Did you notice the bottle of Hennesy in the man's hand? If it was all B.S. , Kanye could have taken this time to yes, blame it on the alcohol. Did he? No. He has written more than one blog and apologized on national television for his behavior. Get over it.

The VMAs started with Madonna paying tribute to Michael Jackson. In her speech, she made a comment to the affect that so many crucified MJ while he was alive, yet no one took the time to recognize the struggles that the man had (i.e. not having a childhood, searching for childhood as an adulthood, etc.). The gist of Madonna's dedication to MJ was to appreciate folks while they are on earth, so they know that they ARE appreciated. Madonna started the night off on a good note and everyone was so happy and clapping for her speech, but the application of her message went right out of the window as soon as Kanye stepped on stage.

Did Kanye make a mistake? Yes. But who hasn't? Don't you want to be forgiven when you disappoint others? Yes. So why have so many people abandoned a fellow artist and taken to degrading him on Twitter and other social networks in his time of need? Kanye's main support system is no longer with him (his mom), and he's dating a very open and self-admitted "crazy bisexual". Furthermore, he is an artist, and more than likely does not have a regular 9-5 work day like most folks. How steady do you think his life is right now? Let's back away from judging this man, pray for him, and hope that he gets all the help that he needs. We talk a good game about support and community, but it sounds like a lot of gibberish right now. I don't think I want some folks behind me if I ever get outta pocket....

Dear Sleep...

Dear Sleep,

We've had a love/hate relationship for years. I've been trying to decide if you have a personal vendetta against me, or if this is just something that randomly occurred. For years now, our on again, off again relationship has been tumultuous. I'm sleeping through the noise and the rain one night, the next I'm tossing and turning, hearing all of the sounds of the night through my window. In the past few months, I know my life has changed drastically, and this is the time when I truly needed you. You have failed me sleep. How could you? I thought we had gotten over our drama filled past and decided to look forward to all the good times we would have in the future. I was wrong. Now as I sit at my desk, looking forward to the next three hours of work (feel the sarcasm), I am most disappointed with you. After a long weekend and a husband gone for most of it, I expected YOU to be there!

This is going to take a lot of groveling for you to make it up to me, I hope you're ready for it. Start making plans.
Yours truly,
MyDearAdia

They say if you love 'em...

They say if you love someone you should let them go, and if they come back, they're yours forever.

I say that's a load of garbage.

Now I know you might say, "well it might not be the right timing" or "they may need time apart to grow" or "blah blah blah, (enter excuse here)".

The way I see it, if you love someone, you hold on for dear life. Not in the sense of being a Grade A stalker or McClingy, but along the idea that you shouldn't just let a good thing walk out because you don't know what to do. Now, after hours and days and months and years of trying to work it out and nothing happens, OK, I kinda get letting go. But if you just wake up one morning and decide that you don't want to be someone's significant other--c'mon!!!! I get that some people just weren't meant to be together in the first place--but that's their own damn fault for going with all emotion and no logic. When you're in a relationship, you are making decisions for two, not just you! Man/woman-up and get yourself together! Letting go without a fight is for sissies.

That is all.

Let's be thankful

Last week as I walked to my car after work, I saw a man walking down the street, heading in my direction. He stopped at a SUV, bent down, and began to pull at something that appeared to be stuck under the tire. He yanked and yanked, and paying more attention to the car, I realized that the driver was present in the car. The driver finally pulled off, and whatever the man was trying to get was freed. By this time, I had reached him and noticed the man had an odor. What he had been trying to pull from underneath the car's tire was a shirt. The shirt looked pretty decent, and I assumed that the man was homeless or at least down on his luck. Whatever the case, he had the biggest grin on his face after picking up that shirt.

This man was so excited about a shirt he found on the ground. How many times do we disrobe and leave our clothes on the floor of our bedroom/bathroom? How many times do we forget about those clothes for periods of time until we need them again? How many times do we forget about the value of the people in our lives until we need them for something? Let's make sure that we show more appreciation for the things that we have, whether we spent our own money on them or someone else purchased them for someone else. I know we don't intentionally forget about things, but let's be more mindful of the people who don't have, and would be very appreciative of the things we sometimes unconsciously forget.

Take the time to day to make yourself aware of the things you do. Pick up your clothes/belongings, call someone that you haven't talked to in awhile. Be appreciative of who or what is in your life.

Something for all of us...

So here's the scripture that T and I have been focusing on, Psalms 37. This is the version from the Message Bible, enjoy!!

Psalm 37 (The Message Bible)
Psalm 37
A David Psalm
1-2 Don't bother your head with braggarts or wish you could succeed like the wicked. In no time they'll shrivel like grass clippings, and wilt like cut flowers in the sun.
3-4 Get insurance with God and do a good deed, settle down and stick to your last. Keep company with God, get in on the best.
5-6 Open up before God, keep nothing back;he'll do whatever needs to be done:He'll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon.
7 Quiet down before God, be prayerful before him. Don't bother with those who climb the ladder, who elbow their way to the top.
8-9 Bridle your anger, trash your wrath, cool your pipes—it only makes things worse. Before long the crooks will be bankrupt;God-investors will soon own the store.
10-11 Before you know it, the wicked will have had it;you'll stare at his once famous place and—nothing! Down-to-earth people will move in and take over,relishing a huge bonanza.
12-13 Bad guys have it in for the good guys, obsessed with doing them in. But God isn't losing any sleep; to him they're a joke with no punch line.
14-15 Bullies brandish their swords, pull back on their bows with a flourish. They're out to beat up on the harmless, or mug that nice man out walking his dog. A banana peel lands them flat on their faces—slapstick figures in a moral circus.
16-17 Less is more and more is less. One righteous will outclass fifty wicked,
For the wicked are moral weaklings but the righteous are God-strong.
18-19 God keeps track of the decent folk;what they do won't soon be forgotten. In hard times, they'll hold their heads high;when the shelves are bare, they'll be full.
20 God-despisers have had it;God's enemies are finished—Stripped bare like vineyards at harvest time,vanished like smoke in thin air.
21-22 Wicked borrows and never returns;Righteous gives and gives. Generous gets it all in the end;Stingy is cut off at the pass.
23-24 Stalwart walks in step with God;his path blazed by God, he's happy. If he stumbles, he's not down for long;God has a grip on his hand.
25-26 I once was young, now I'm a graybeard—not once have I seen an abandoned believer, or his kids out roaming the streets. Every day he's out giving and lending, his children making him proud.
27-28 Turn your back on evil, work for the good and don't quit. God loves this kind of thing, never turns away from his friends.
28-29 Live this way and you've got it made, but bad eggs will be tossed out. The good get planted on good land and put down healthy roots.
30-31 Righteous chews on wisdom like a dog on a bone, rolls virtue around on his tongue. His heart pumps God's Word like blood through his veins;his feet are as sure as a cat's.
32-33 Wicked sets a watch for Righteous, he's out for the kill. God, alert, is also on watch--Wicked won't hurt a hair of his head.
34 Wait passionately for God, don't leave the path. He'll give you your place in the sun while you watch the wicked lose it.
35-36 I saw Wicked bloated like a toad, croaking pretentious nonsense. The next time I looked there was nothing— a punctured bladder, vapid and limp.
37-38 Keep your eye on the healthy soul, scrutinize the straight life;There's a future in strenuous wholeness. But the willful will soon be discarded;insolent souls are on a dead-end street.
39-40 The spacious, free life is from God, it's also protected and safe. God-strengthened, we're delivered from evil—when we run to him, he saves us.

God is trying to tell me something...ok, God, you have my full attention...

Today has just been one of those days. Today is a Monday for me, since I did not work yesterday, so everything is off, right off the bat. I was awakened at 7:05 am by my radio blasting 107.5 as loud as it could get. I rolled over, hit the snooze button, and went back to sleep. 7:15am rolled around and the radio came back on. Man, has it already been 10 minutes? I thought. It had felt like another hour of sleep to me. Once again, I hit the snooze button and tried to fall asleep. 7:25am came and I knew I had to get up. I rolled over, and started my daily routine of getting ready for work.

For the most part, my getting ready went off without a hitch. My khakis had been washed two days before and stuffed in the bottom of a bag, so I thought they would be completely wrinkled. They were actually wearable without putting an iron to them. Great, I thought, that just cut down some of my time. I finished getting ready while my husband got dressed as well and I noticed that my khakis were a little snugger than they had been last week. I had to catch myself from getting down about my size/weight. Instead, I grabbed my bag, grabbed my phone, and headed downstairs to get in the car.

After dropping T off at work, I headed to work myself. I decided to stop at Jewel to pick up a snack or two instead of trying to spend an arm and a leg on breakfast that wouldn't fill me up. Once I arrived at the grocery store, I parked, locked the car, and headed in. Before I could get to the grocer's door, I dropped my house keys on the ground. You may ask why I had those keys in my hand. Everytime I go into Jewel, I forget to take in my keys, which have a rewards card on it that earns me money towards gas. I think that is definitely worth carrying.

I pick up my house keys, and my car keys fall. Once again I lean over, this time hearing a snap and a rip. The zipper on my pants was in tack, but the hooks didn't feel right. I stand up, only to hear something else fall. My lip gloss compact had fallen from my pocket. I bent over and picked that up, stood up, and my wallet fell. Anyone who saw me probably thought I was a bumbling fool. I finally got everything in my hands, and shoved them all into my pockets. I touched the front of my khakis and realized that the hooks had ripped completely off. As I tried to zip them, I heard one of the hooks/eyelets hit the concrete. I looked down to see if I could find them, but no luck. So there I was, walking into Jewel, pants undone, pockets full, and the weight of my pockets pulling down my pants. I managed to grab everything I wanted before heading back to the car.

Once I arrived at work, I parked, and headed back down the street to the building. As I was walking, I felt something under my shoe. It felt like I was walking on tissue or some other material that was lightweight but noticeable under my foot. I looked down--and the sole of my shoe was halfway off of my shoe. I tried to get the sole to go back into place, but gave up and just ripped it off as I walked across the street to the front door of my job. I was definitely bothered by this, as I have only worn these shoes twice--once this past Saturday and today. I've had them for four years, but never could figure out with what to wear them.

Once I went to my desk and dropped my bag off, I headed to the lunchroom to place my beverages in the refrigerator. The whole time I was walking, I felt the absence of a sole on the bottom of my right foot. It was like I had shoes on with two different heights. Granted, the height difference is barely if at all noticeable to those around me, but I can feel the difference under my feet as I walked. I got to the lunchroom, dropped off my beverages in the bottom of the fridge, and headed back up to my desk.

The day went by quite uneventfully, just another day at work. About an hour ago, I went down to the lunchroom to retrieve my beverages. When I opened the fridge, I noticed that my bag had been moved to the other crisper at the bottom of the fridge and someone had replaced my bag with their own. On a normal day, I would have probably gotten irritated at the fact that someone went out of their way to move my bag because of their own need to have some type of consistency. I would have thought, really? They REALLY need to move my bag just so they can put their bag in the same place they put it everyday? Is it really going to kill them to put their bag in another place, or SHARE the compartment even? But I didn't think any of those things. I just smiled, grabbed my bag, and headed back up to my desk.

I don't know what God is trying to tell me today. I just know there's something in the things that have happened. Maybe he just wanted to see if for once I could just not be bothered by what I would see as everything going wrong. I have, in the past few months--even days--been overwhelmed by different things which have made me think that so many things are going wrong. Finances, housing, weight, etc. have made me question myself and I have sometimes gotten entirely too flustered over things that could turn back around for the good at any moment.

Today was my day to show God what I'm made of and I think I did pretty good. I didn't get upset about my khakis--I just made a mental note to find my other pair when I get home tonight. I didn't flip out about continually dropping my belongings in the grocer's parking lot--I just kept picking things up and kept it moving. I didn't go nuts about my shoe falling apart--I just made adjusments and kept walking. I didn't get an attitude about someone moving my things in the fridge--I smiled and went and enjoyed my beverages.

By golly, I think I'm growing!!! I think that I am finally learning, through everyday mishaps, exactly what God expects of me!!! Although all these unexpected things happened today, I just kept it moving. Maybe because I made a mental note and texted T about reading Psalms 37 and followed through, I don't know. But I definitely recognize that today was an unexpected day, and I handled it pretty damn well. : )

To tithe or not to tithe, that is the question...

I've noticed that there are people that continually question the church,its leaders, and their intentions but don't seem to have done their homework before opening their mouth. I am in no way an expert on the bible, but when I don't know something, I do my research.

Many people have questioned the need for tithing in the church. I have heard arguments ranging from "nowhere in the bible does God speak about tithing" to "the preacher just wants the tithes so that he can pay for his new Benz" to "if they believe God will provide, why do they have to ask for money?" Anyone who has not thoroughly studied the bible or at least made an attempt to uncover some answers to their own questions through the bible could pose any of the sample questions I provided above.

Dictionary.com defines tithe as follows:

–noun

1.	Sometimes, tithes. the tenth part of agricultural produce or personal income set apart as an offering to God or for works of mercy, or the same amount regarded as an obligation or tax for the support of the church, priesthood, or the like.

2.	any tax, levy, or the like, esp. of one-tenth.

3.	a tenth part or any indefinitely small part of anything.

–verb (used with object)

4.	to give or pay a tithe or tenth of (produce, money, etc.).

5.	to give or pay tithes on (crops, income, etc.).

6.	to exact a tithe from (a person, community, parish, etc.).

7.	to levy a tithe on (crops, income, etc

–verb (used without object)

8.	to give or pay a tithe.

There are in fact, 18 total times in which tithing is discussed in the Bible. There are a couple of scriptures that deal with those example questions I posed in the previous paragraph.

Leviticus 27:30 (NIV)
30 A tithe of everything from the land, whether grain from the soil or fruit from the trees, belongs to the LORD; it is holy to the LORD.

The word tithe comes from an old English word meaning tenth. Tithing, then, is giving back to God a tenth of one's increase. Crops and agriculture were and still are considered a form of currency. Other forms of currency include various forms of cash from different places around the world. Some of those currencies include pesos, yen, pounds, dollars, to name a few. Others would say that tithing is not always monetarily valuable. Some venture to say that the giving of time, talent, and resources is part of tithing. What God has blessed you with, he wants to see a return on that gift. He wants NO talents to go wasted or untapped. Whatever the main currency was then and now, God is due the first tenth, and expects us to live off of the other ninety percent. Tithing is basically giving to God a percentage of your increase, or your profit. It's the return God gets for investing in you.

Malachi 3:10-11 (NIV)
10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the LORD Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.
11 I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit, says the LORD Almighty.

Let's get this clear now. I believe that the church is the people that gather in God's name, not the building. I believe that people can gather anywhere and still be the church. But the building that houses the church folks--wherever it is--cannot run on prayer alone. Like any other building, bills need to be paid, lights need to be kept on, and staff need their paychecks.

God's initial investment in you has yielded a profit, and God wants to see a return on his investment. That return comes in the form of taking care of his storehouse. The food that He speaks of in Malachi 3:10 is both figuratively and literally. By bringing in the tenth/tithe of your profit and giving it to God, you are also providing something that may not have been otherwise available. Without church (people) providing tithes in all its forms, the building in which they gather would sustain damage, decay, and eventual collapse.

Tithes are important in taking care of the church (people). Part of God's storehouse are the people that come to His storehouse. That is why there are both tithes and offerings. Tithes are what is demanded of us, what God deserves as a return in his investment. Offering is what we are willing to give above and beyond what God requires of us. It essentially a contribution, or donation to the storehouse, in addition to our tithes.

Matthew 23:23 (NIV)
23 Woe, to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites? You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.

Luke 11:42 (NIV)
Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue, and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practice the latter without leaving the former undone.

Both of these verses touch on the same matter. Yes, it is important to tithe, but we have to make sure we are tithing as well as upholding other laws God has set before us. We cannot forget the "more important matters of the law" (Matthew 23:23). We cannot uphold God's laws half-heartedly, nor can we pick and choose what we abide by and what we ignore. I know, this is SO hard to follow, I must admit that I've rationalized being disobedient on past occasions. But now that I'm older, I have recognized that those things I chose to ignore have definitely made an impact on my life and the way things have gone for me when I have been and am disobedient.

If God has blessed us with resources, be them time, talent, money, etc., He expects us to use them. That is tithing. Too many people get tied up in the concept of giving a church/pastor money and not thinking about all the things that need to be taken care of in the church house. Yes, God will provide and we shouldn't worry, but He provides through other's resources, money, time, talent, or otherwise.

There is so much I want to say. This conversation to be continued...

Study Hall Session

2 Timothy 2:15-16 (New American Standard Bible)

15Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.
16But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness



(King James Version)

5Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
16But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.



I like to think of myself as an ever-growing, ever-evolving Christian. In the past, I've been the typical Sunday morning Christian, and on Monday I was right back to my foolishness, having listened to the word but not absorbing it and applying it to my everyday life. Now, I question things that preachers say, and am slowly working on my "Study to show thyself approved."



Too many times, people take the Bible out of context. As one intelligent person calls it, the bible is Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. I definitely agree with that. If we do what we are supposed to--STUDY--then we develop our own relationship with God. We learn what the words of the bible truly mean, and others that try to impose their interpretation of the bible upon you fail. We are to beware of "false prophets" (Matthew 7:15) that use the bible and the words of God and his people to cause confusion. It is only when we develop a true, lasting, and ever-growing relationship with God that we can discern for ourselves what we need to do.



I hear people question God all the time. Nothing is wrong with questioning God when you have a relationship with him. God has an open door policy. What God DOESN'T want you to do is lose your faith. People that have lost their faith and are questioning God don't have the correct platform with which to reach him. But when we have a developing relationship with God and STUDY (there goes that word again), then we will know exactly what to do in any situation.



Those that constantly question God and His word, claim to have a relationship with Him, yet have not done God His due diligence by picking up a bible confuse me. How can anyone say that they know ANYTHING without observing, taking notes, learning all they can about a subject? When we don't do our part, things get misconstrued, false judgements are made, and we possibly miss a relationship that could have been great. It's the same way with God. We HAVE to STUDY!!!!



Someone can be intelligent and great at absorption. They can sit in a classroom, not take notes, and absorb all the information that the teacher is giving. When the test comes, it's easy to spew out all the information that was given. But if the test is a test in which answers are not enough, what happens? A student has given the teacher exactly what the teacher has given him, but what about application? What about all of the scenarios in which these answers can be applied? The same goes for a relationship with God. So many people can sit in the church and listen to everything the pastor gives them, be moved by the sermon and the "Christianese" even, but if that churchgoer does not cultivate a relationship outside of just what is given to him, how can he apply? I must admit, I have been guilty of just going to church, taking in what was said, and leaving, not even remembering sometimes what the sermon was. I've hit the parking lot and been ready to go wherever and do whatever, not even thinking about the consequences of my actions or the application of the word to my life.



This is why a personal relationship with God is so necessary. We need to be able to walk through our week knowing that we are prepared for anything that is thrown at us. We don't study, we don't apply, and therefore we don't "rightly divide the word of truth." We end up relying on our own truths and getting into some mess we shouldn't be in, or disproportionatley handling a situation that could have been resolved peacefully, decently, and in order.