Alone with my thoughts...

My memory is like Jay-Z's Blueprint--it's a gift and a curse. There are conversations I can repeat word for word back to you, situations where I can tell what everyone was doing, what they were wearing, etc. I'd probably be a great witness if the police needed to do a sketch for a suspect. But on the other hand, I hold onto things for years and rehash those situations over and over with anyone that will listen. The worst part, however, is how my mind replays situations over and over again, giving me time to think about what I should have done differently, what I could have said, and what the possible and maybe better outcome could have been. I've been like this for years, partially I believe because of all of the times people have tried to discredit me. But I'm 26 years old now, and shouldn't care about what others think, right? Of course I shouldn't. And I shouldn't be worried about people who aren't thinking about me, right? Of course not.

I'm starting to think that it has more to do with me and not with the other people involved. Alot of my mental replays have to do with what I could have said or what I should have said to make the situtations go a different way. How I shouldn't have gotten emotional, or maybe I should have written down everything I wanted to say before I got there as to make sure I didn't forget anything. It's more of me replaying all of the times where I have felt like I failed myself.

My husband pointed out (before we got married) that I was demarcating time with the men that were in my life. I didn't even realize it. I could tell him where I was and what I was doing based on the year and the man that I was dealing with. I wasn't bringing this up to get a rile out of my husband, nor was I conscious that I was doing it at all. I realized then that I had to work on myself. I have made a conscious effort to not demarcate time in the same way I have done in the past. I find it so much easier since my husband pointed it out, becasue the only man that has had my attention is him. I know that it is something that gets under his skin, and I have worked on other ways of recalling the past.

It's definitely a battle, because I'm always remembering situations in my life where I feel people did me wrong. I know it's not healthy, and I know that all those memories and people involved have power over me for as long as I harp over the past. I am working on getting out of the habit of bringing up old things. It's time to make new memories.