The Hiatus is Over!! Kinda....

I know it has been awhile since I blogged. I'm not even sure if anyone even reads this or cares, but it sure as hell has been therapy for me....

Anyways, I'm back off of my hiatus, Thanksgiving was great--I got to see family I haven't seen in a while--and I didn't overindulge. Now I'm back in full force, trying to get this ONE grad school application done before the year is over. It's a damn shame that I have taken so long, especially since it is only ONE application. Well, I must give myself a little more credit. I have completed the majority of the application. Only thing that I am waiting for now are two of my three letters of recommendation, my transcripts, and the inspiration to write my statement of purpose. Give me a break, it takes time for the magic to work.

So, I guess this isn't really a true blog entry. I'll be back inspired and ready to write in a few days....

Regrets

There's a song by Letoya Luckett on the radio right now called Regret. It's definitely in high rotation, because every time I'm in the car I hear it at least twice (I'm not in the car but 20-30 minutes to and from work). The song is basically about a woman scorned who is somewhat taunting a former significant other. That significant other has done the woman wrong, had other women in her car, cheated on her, blah blah blah. The woman reminds her former lover that he wasn't much of anything before her, and that she made him the cool dude that he is today. The chorus goes a little something like this:

You must regret the day that you left me
You must regret the day that you left me
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me, oh
Still tryna get back, get back
Still tryna get back, back with me oh


Although Letoya is singing from a woman's perspective, this could definitely be a song from a man's perspective.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that we all have regrets. We regret that person that we let get away. We regret that comment we made that cost us our friend, job, relationship, etc. We regret that decision we made that cost us everything. We regret that food we ate that got our stomach a-bubblin'. There's just so many regrets, and I in no way can quantify whether a regret is big or small. They all affect us in some way.

Some of my regrets: Letting my relationship with God fall to the side as a teen; Not telling my mom everything that was going on at school with teachers; Not telling my mom about certain things my dad did to make me dislike him even more; Shit, no telling my mom alot of things; Waiting so long to realize that I was incorrectly communicating with the opposite sex; Waiting so long to realize just exactly how dope I really am; Not being closer friends with my husband when we were in college.

The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get my drift. We all have regrets, we all have things that we wish we could change. We all have things that we wish we would have never done or said.

Right now: What are you going to do now to make sure that you never make those mistakes again? Are you holding on to past regrets, or have you let them be a learning experience and moved on? I can honestly say that for the most part, I have definitely moved on. I still have issues with confidence, I still doubt myself sometimes. But I also catch myself having that lack of confidence and that doubt, and I do whatever is positive and in my ability to do in order to get out of that negative way of thinking. I cannot let past regrets and mistakes dictate what my future will look like. I can only accept that I messed up, and work on making my present and future better.

What are you doing? Are you holding on to past regrets? Or have you let your mistakes become your learning tools?

Alone With My Thoughts

I'm educated. I'm pretty smart. I'm in love and married to the man of my dreams. I'm in the process of filling out Grad School applications. I'm a good friend, great sister, and a damn good lover! What's my biggest problem though? My confidence. Now how could someone that speaks highly of herself have confidence issues? I'll tell you.

I second guess myself all the time.

I'll be so firm giving a friend advice, and in the next breath will question and re-evaluate everything I said. I'm so used to being around fickle people, that if I upset or frustrate my husband, I HAVE to ask him if he still likes me. This is something that I should already know without a shadow of a doubt. Sometimes I just think that I let my past dictate what I think people will feel now. I don't know. This was more of a post to get things out of my head rather than one to appease the readers. I'll be back soon with more...

Scabs, Scars, and a Little Neosporin

I love the movie The Lion King for so many reasons. It shows that the things that you do, whether good or bad, can have long term effects on yourself, and on those around you. In the movie, there's Mufasa, King of the Pride Lands. He and his mate Sarabi have a newborn cub, Simba, who is next in line for the throne. Because he is jealous and wants to get the throne for himself, Mufasa's brother Scar sets in motion a plan that will end up with his brother dead and Simba presumed dead. Scar is then free to take the throne and become ruler of the Pride Lands. But Scar has left alot of dismay in his wake. Sarabi no longer has her mate or her son, Nala no longer has her friend Simba to play with, and no one besides Scar and his hyena minions is aware that Simba is actually alive!!! Scar has caused alot of damage in his desire to becoming king. Eventually Simba returns all grown up, everyone is pleased, and he and his uncle have a showdown. Scar admits to Simba that he killed his own brother, and that his minions--the hyenas--were not the culprits in Mufasa's murder. Simba throws Scar over the cliff, somewhat of a justice for him, as Scar had flung his own brother over a cliff and into a stampede. Scar is then devoured by the same hyenas that he had led, mistreated, and lied on. Scar wasn't a good brother, uncle, brother-in-law, or leader. He was more concerned with himself and a title. He wanted the title of king but didn't act like one. Because of his actions, Simba, Nala, Sarabi, and all of the Pride Lands were left with emotional scars, and Scar. He was the physical reminder of what the Pride Lands had lost.

We're not always aware of the scars that we have caused. Sometimes the scars are emotional or theoretical, something we can't physically see, but are definitely evident. I have a habit of cutting myself without knowing. I'll be getting ready for my day or winding down from my day and realize that a scab has started to form somewhere on my body. It's only then that I have to go back and think about my day and what could've caused the scab. I run into walls, scratched myself on random nails sticking out of doors, awakened to find that somehow, in my sleep, I had managed to cut myself.

After awhile, we know what these scabs do...they turn into scars. I have plenty. Scars that I've caused indirectly, by not paying attention to where I was going. Scars that I have caused directly, by doing something foolish that resulted in an encrustation somewhere on my person.

While drying off after a shower the other night (please try to stay focused, you may imagine me fresh out of the shower after you have read this post), I realized that a new scab was forming on my right foot. Once again, I had to think back to when I had done anything that would cause the scab. I remembered, a day or so before, that I had been trying to pick something up off of my bedroom floor and inadvertently banged the top of my foot on the ironing board. I also remembered the pain from the hit, the sting in the shower hours later (maintain your composure), and all of the profanity that spewed from my mouth asking my hubby to check it, disinfect it, and put a little Neosporin on it.

Now what does my clumsiness have to do with anything? I thought about it, and sometimes life is the exact same way. We've inadvertently done something, said something, or caused something that left a scar. Whether that scar was left on us or someone else, we sometimes forget about what originally happened. It may be the scar of past memories, or the scar of disappointment, or it just may be a actual, physical scar. We go through life clumsily, making the same mistakes over and over again, because we don't take the time to think about our words and our actions. We don't realize the damage we leave in our wake, as we trudge through life, doing whatever makes us feel good at the moment. We don't take into account the feelings of others when we make hateful comments. We don't think when we fly off the cuff as opposed to taking the time to sit back and assess a situation. Momma said it best, "Think before you speak."

Think before you speak, assess before you react, be observant of the things around you so that you don't leave scars. I can't say that everyone is perfect, or that you'll catch everything. There are so many things that happen in our lives, and we don't realize the damage we've done to ourselves, our lives, those around us, and even our future mate. Take the time to sit back and re-evaluate the things you've done. I will continue to do it as well. Have you made a comment to someone and they now avoid you every chance they get? Have you been careless with your heart, giving away the best parts of you to people that haven't deserved it? Have you written something that you can't take back, but you feel remorseful for it? Apologize, be more selective, be careful! You never know where you may be leaving scars.

BALLS OF THE WEEK #2...BEYONCE

Balls of the Week is a series here on Finding Me. I will be talking about someone on a level of dopeness not obtained by most. It's about the folks that step outside of what is expected of them and reach for something higher. It's about the folks that don't settle for normal. Normal is boring....

Ok, there's probably a MILLION reasons that we could think of for Mrs. Knowles-Carter and why she's dope. Whether you like her, love her, hate her, or could care less, Beyonce's got balls.

Really, I think Beyonce' has the potential to become as big as Miss Tina Turner (minus the beatdowns). If Tina announced that she wanted to ever do a tour again, TRUST, she would sell out. I think that Beyonce' could achieve that type of status in her lifetime. Let's ignore Bey's penchant for the five thousand dollar lace front wigs and onesies for a moment. She's talented, has CRAZY stage presence, and is a dope entertainer. I've got Destiny's Child Destiny Fulfilled tour and both of Bey's previous tours on DVD. Beyonce/Sasha definitely has a big personality on stage. Now I can't say that I connect with her music all the time, but I must admit, most of it is definitely catchy. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I still break out all of my dance moves when Get Me Bodied comes on.

But here's my real reason why I think Beyonce' is deserving of the Balls of the Week title. This woman basically said "Ok, it's me, and two other chicks doing all of my videos for this album. We don't need all those extras. They can just look at us dancing for 3 and a half minutes."

REALLY BEY? You just gonna forsake all those video chicks and attention loving extras, the ones that need the money during these times of recession? Is that how you feel? You and two chicks (One is still questionable, I SWEAR that the lil dark-skinned one had a penis when it was born is a dude.) just out there gettin' it IN, just simple sets and your background dancers. Well, some could argue that it's just like Destiny's Child days, when Bey was front and center and Michelle and Kelly (and the other former members) lacked any relevance, they were just there to make Bey look good. Whatever the feeling, Bey is hot, Bey is fierce, and not many folks can just say "hey, let's just make this a video with just me and some other chicks dancing." So for that reason, Mrs. Knowles-Carter, I salute you, you've got the Balls of the Week.